Did I Say “˜You Have the Controls?’

by Heligirl on January 12, 2010

in Daily Ramblings

In a momentary lapse of reason, I let my mind wonder a bit (what’s left of it after two kids, a job, and 6 hours of sleep a day) and think back to the days when I hand it together. You know, when you knew who you were, where you were going, what you were going to do today, and you ACTUALLY got it done. It was an interesting flashback to say the least.

I was a professional, living and breathing my trade and all things aviation. I was jet set, traveling all over the country doing my job and having a blast. I was a networking guru, making connections, pals and friendships everywhere I went. I stayed up late, went out with pals, traveled and ended every day with a sense of accomplishment.

Today I wonder what on Earth I did with all that free time because that life was no where near as hectic as life today.

When I was a flight instructor, I taught my students that there would always be a positive transfer of control of the helicopter. I’d say “you have the controls,” and the student would respond, “I have the controls,” then I’d visually confirm and repeat “you have the controls” before I let go. I’m looking at my life that has somehow jumped into Warp Factor 9, and I don’t feel I’m totally in control and I don’t remember handing the controls over.

I don’t have the time or brainpower to think about work all day and night and, it’s probably my own insecurity, but I feel that I’m not doing that great of a job as a result. Don’t get me wrong, I’m getting the job done. Yet, those non-breeder co-workers on e-mail all hours of the day and night, texting and Tweeting all the time, are making me look bad, I tell you what.

I think a part of this is just what happens when you have kids. They run your life, not you. I eat, sleep and pee when they let me. Right now, most of my meals are cool if not cold, I have to force myself to get three meals in a day (eating two while I’m at work), and sleeping fewer than eight hours a night on a pretty regular basis regardless of how early I get to sleep.

And at the end of the day, I’m lucky if I get a shower, pump extra milk for my little man, eat three times, and clean up whatever disaster was created. Forget getting ahead on projects, calling people back, touching base with pals, cleaning the house, etc.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. I’d not change anything for the world. That former life was fun, but I’d be so very lonely if I went back to it. It’s just that you go from being who you are and pregnant to living your life according to this (or these) little people’s needs without any transition. No amount of friend and family warnings that “your life is going to change” prepares you for this. You mommies know what I’m talking about.

Maybe the answer is I need to just change aircraft – accept a shift in priorities. Embrace meal planning, scheduling sex, and to do lists in hopes of keeping on top of the important things while putting all my free energy into being there with and for the Rugrats. Wish I had the money for a house cleaner and cook though”¦

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