When Hitting Enters the Home

Another installment in my Positive Discipline Articles.

Today revealed a whole new side to my little girl I’m far from prepared to handle, despite all my Positive Discipline study. Mr. Man turned one this past week and it was all Sweetness could do to deal with it. First, she was forced to look at all these great toys and pick one out for him. Then he was getting all these cool toys and people were taking photos of him, giving him attention. When everyone left, she wanted desperately to play with the toys and was completely bombarded with words like “your brother’s toys stay on the floor where he can reach them,” “your brother is playing with that,” “that’s your brother’s,” etc. Then a few days later, it happened all over again with kids coming over giving him more toys, taking more pictures, eating more chocolate cake. What was a girl to do?

Answer: Haul off and slap that annoying baby brother. I knew it was coming. It was only a matter of time. He’d recently started crawling and that was driving her over the edge. She couldn’t get away from him and he was always going after her toys. When she yelled at him to get out of her room, it was all I could do to not say what I was feeling (“Might as well get used to it, it never ends.”). Instead I focused on the golden rule of giving words to her feelings, “It’s so frustrating that your brother comes into your room and plays with your things.”

Nevertheless, it was disheartening to see my sweet little girl who usually kisses her baby brother to haul off and slap him so hard he cried. I’d already started the Positive Time Out routine so I immediately took her away from her brother and told her it looked like she needed to cool off. She screamed bloody murder, begging for a hug and snuggle. My action clearly made her feel like I was withdrawing love and that broke my heart. A minute later I went in and sat with her to talk things out while we snuggled. Once she seemed ready to play with one of his new toys he wasn’t playing with, I hit the books.

In Jane Nelson’s Positive Discipline books, Nelson suggests in these situations to try one or more of the following things:

1. Take the child by the hand and say, “It’s not okay to hit people. I know you’re feeling hurt and upset. You can talk about it or you can hit a pillow, but people are not for hitting.”
2. Help the child deal with anger (validate the feelings, defuse anger by identifying the source of it, don’t take sides, avoid reacting with aggression)
3. For children under four, give a hug first before removing them from the situation to model a loving method. Hugging does not reinforce the misbehavior.
4. Regardless of the child’s age, you never know when they’ll begin to understand so always use words like “Hitting hurts people. Let’s find something else you can do.”
5. Show the child what he can do rather than telling him what not to do, “touch nicely” or “when you need to let the anger out, stomp your feet like this.”
6. If the hitting is directed at you, let her know what you will do instead of trying to control the child. For instance, that you will leave the room until she is ready to treat you respectfully. Then do it. Later you can explain that it really hurt or it hurt your feelings.

Nelson also explains that half the battle is planning ahead to prevent future problems. I knew this would be hard on her, a newly mobile and now celebrated sibling. He’s gone from being cute to being a threat. I tried to explain his birthday was coming up. I let her participate in choosing a gift. Her friends came to the party too and one even brought her a sibling gift.
I think where I could have done better is to have been on the floor with the kids all the time, offering suggestions on how to coexist. The problem was she wanted desperately to play with these new toys, but the two little impulsive creatures were dealing with their “I want what you have” impulse. He’d play with something. She’d come take it. Then he’d go to what she had and try to take it and so on. But I was both very busy getting things done for the party and feeling miserably under the weather. I should have been coaching with “what do you want to play with? Ok, the helicopter is yours to play with. How about we give brother the dump truck.” Then offer commentary for her benefit if he’d try to take the helicopter, “your sister is playing with the helicopter right now and it doesn’t look like she’s finished. She’s shared a lot of her toys with you so how about we play with this car until she’s done.”

After a few cool offs today, I left Mr. Man with Hubby and took Sweetness to the library, just the two of us. She played happily there, helping pick out books and playing with the puzzles they have on the tables for the little ones.

While there we ran into the teacher facilitator from my preschool, the one who works with us parents to teach us all about Positive Discipline. I asked her if she had a moment. We talked for a bit and she said something very important we all can do with hearing, “You can do everything right, directly out of the book, and they’re still going to act out. It’s not a reflection of you. They are, after all, kids. You can just be there to help them through it. That’s what matters. You bringing her here today speaks volumes to her. You’re on the right track.” That was just what I needed to hear.

When we got back from that hour together, she passed out for one of her rare afternoon naps. It’s so hard being 2 ½ and having a mobile baby brother. I guess the best I can do is make sure she knows she’s loved no matter what.