Telemarketer Fun

by Heligirl on May 28, 2010

in Daily Ramblings

I’ve found that there is a certain level of need in my life to laugh until I pee. Before finding some great spots in the blogosphere, I regularly turned to Ze Frank and his craziness. In my now regular tip of the hat to the Mayor of Crazytown and her weekly rename of Friday funnies, here’s a little taste of what I’m talking about, directly from Ze (promounced Zay).

WARNING: Go to the bathroom now or you’re going to regret it. I hyperventilate after reading this, I’m laughing so hard.

Turning the Table on Telemarketers

The next time a telemarketer calls, don’t just hang up. Use the following to keep the conversation going:

  1. Use a husky, dirty phone sex voice but ask normal questions about the proposed offer. “Is it a low interest rate? mmmmm”¦I like low interest rates”¦really low”¦”
  2. In an outrageously excited tone: “Thank God you called!!!” Explain that an online psychic told you that your future lover would randomly call disguised as an asshole.
  3. Say you are hard of hearing and see how loud they will shout into the phone.
  4. Allow the telemarketer to fully explain his offer. When he is finished explain that his company hired you to randomly spot check telemarketers on their performance. Tell him that he did a good job overall, but that he is a bit monotone and needs to fluctuate his tone of voice more to sound convincing. He also should pause longer between sentences, and more clearly pronounce the letter “s”. Tell him you won’t report him if he repeats his speech to you with the appropriate corrections. Repeat.
  5. Be incredibly polite as they explain their offer, but make farting noises once in a while and ask whether there is something wrong with the connection.
  6. In an annoyed tone cut the telemarketer off mid sentence : “Dan, stop screwing around”¦we have to get rid of this body fast, did you find a chainsaw or not?”
  7. “Congratulations! You’re the 100th caller on the (insert local radio station) Sweet Vacation Giveaway Blast Marathon. You’ve just won a pair of tickets to Negril, Jamaica and the use of Sean Paul’s celebrity vacation house.” Take down her address and send her all of your L.L.Bean catalogues for the rest of your life…after you use them as liner for your cat’s litter box.
  8. Flirt.
  9. Keep repeating, “I knew you were going to say that”¦”
  10. Stutter on a syllable of an obvious word in a sentence”¦ see how long it takes before he completes the phrase. When he does, get upset, and say “That really hurts my fee”¦fee”¦ fee”¦ fee”¦feel”¦fee”¦ fee”¦ fee”¦” ad infinitum.
  11. Mid pitch, stop him and complement him on his wonderful voice. Explain that you are a voiceover scout and might have a breakthrough commercial job for him. Ask if he wouldn’t mind doing a quick test. Ask him to say in a deep husky voice “May cause dizziness, diarrhea, vomiting and shortness of breath. A small number of participants in a recent clinical trial experienced weight loss, irregular clotting, abnormally frequent and/or painful urination and hair loss. Results may vary.”
  12. Ask how much it would take to get him to stop working as a telemarketer. Start at $1000. Say you are dead serious.
  13. Ask if he will be your friend if you sign up.
  14. Tie obscure facts about Barbara Streisand to everything thing he says,, “2.3% interest rate? oh my”¦did you know Barbara was 23 when she filmed Funny Girl”¦”
  15. Every few minutes repeat, “You’re going to have to bear with me, I have a slight short term memory loss problem”¦who is this again?”
  16. “Oh my god, I used to have your job”¦does Bob still work there (repeat names until you find a match)”¦which building are you in?” Escalate coincidence until you both realize that you sat in the same chair. Explain that you had to quit work when your genitals mysteriously vanished.
  17. Regardless of the offer tell him you’ll take 7. If he asks what you mean say he drives a hard bargain and you’ll take 9, but that’s as far as you’ll go.
  18. Every half-minute ask him to hold and pretend to scream at your invalid mother. “You want to use the bathroom??? Well stop whining and get up out of the wheelchair for a change. You just sit there and think about that for a while, mother. Can’t you see I’m on the damn phone?”
  19. Forgive him. Tell him you did. Over and over again, until he hangs up. Then secretly take it back.

If you thought that was funny, take a minute to look at this one. It’s my all time favorite ever. I have no idea how to link this properly into my site as a video, so just click on the link to go to his site. It’s an absolutely hilarious look at how to respond to those annoying types in a passive aggressive way that will satisfy you, but the annoying boob will never know. All using the power of punctuation. You’ll never look at those smiley faces at the end of a sentence the same again.

Communication 101

Have a great weekend (and holiday if you’re in America). Now go change your underwear.


Amanda May 28, 2010 at 10:26 am

Hi! Thanks for visiting my blog. I wrote a post about my scrapbook pages and it is scheduled to post tomorrow 🙂 Come back and see it.

KLZ May 28, 2010 at 10:40 am

I think then secretly take it back is the best tactic ever.

Because I don’t forgive them when they call after 9 and wake my child. Not even a little bit.

themombshell May 28, 2010 at 11:53 am

now I’m going to be all anxiously awaiting a telemarketer to call!

Tracy (AKA The Mayor!) May 28, 2010 at 12:09 pm

Holy crap, PRICELESS!! And that video cracked me up too…”Bite me jackass” is my personal mantra hahahahahahaha!!! I need to copy down that code, definitely get much use out of that!!

😀 (hahahahahaha)

Alexandra May 28, 2010 at 12:28 pm

Hi! Hopped over here via Crazy town, my secret crush girlfriend.

I LOVED this…I think I’ll do the hard of hearing one tonight..

Good to meet you!

Krista @ Not Mommy of the Year May 28, 2010 at 5:10 pm

OMG! I love messing with telemarketers. Since the baby was born every time I get one of those calls, I hiss “NO. I can’t talk to you, I have a newborn and you JUST woke her up.” Yes. She’s almost 8 months old and yes, she was probably wide awake. & someday I wll probably hate myself for doing this when one of those calls actually does wake her. But for right now it makes me giglge.

Pamela May 28, 2010 at 7:12 pm

OMG, I thought my hubby was the only freak who screwed with telemarketers like that. Usually he pretends to be a really old man & talks reaaaaallly sloooooowly or just keeps asking them to repeat themselves. Or, he says he’s really drunk & just got out of jail & he’s not allowed to give out his credit card info. Or one time, he explained that he couldn’t get a subscription to a newspaper because he was moving to Cleveland. I’m like, Cleveland? You couldn’t think of anyplace better than Cleveland?!
Happy Friday & thanks for giving us more ideas to mess with those f***ers!

The Bipolar Diva May 28, 2010 at 11:55 pm

Thank you SO much for the awesome comment you left on my blog! I’m following you now and I can’t wait to get to know you!

We used to live in Redmond, Issaquah and Federal Way before moving to Portland in 1997. Isn’t the PNW gorgeous! But I wish it would stop raining already!

Tracy May 29, 2010 at 8:53 am

omg, that was the funniest ever!!!! I am not a big telemarketer fan….now I know what to say!!!! Thanks!!!!!

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