That Hideous Feeling

by Heligirl on June 4, 2010

in Daily Ramblings

I’m hideous. That’s it. End of story. No question about it. That’s how I feel right now.

Since getting serious in the blogosphere six months ago, I’ve come across lots and lots of posts and blogs about losing weight to feel better about yourself. I kind of skimmed over a lot of that as I’m 110 lbs and am going so much I have trouble putting on weight. So I ignorantly went along thinking I was actually in a good place, having good skinny genes on my side, so I’d never fall victim to self image concerns. Stupid lamb.

I can’t even put my finger on when it happened, but suddenly it was like the blinders came off and I was woken to the world of “welcome to hideousness. Population – You!”

Maybe it was all the beautiful people I saw last month at a party for a Discovery Channel show. Or possibly it was some TV show and a few sexy actresses that have pranced across the screen lately. Could have even been some photos I saw on Facebook friends’ sites that set me off.

I see images like this and some messed up part of my brain starts thinking, “no way anyone thinks you’re the least bit attractive.” Make no mistake, I suddenly started feeling like poo. When faced with this, my competitive nature jumps in then my negative internal dialog takes off. Part of me wants to look better than them while the other part of me tells me I haven’t a chance in the world and I’d better just start drinking myself to death now. No amount of “when you’re beautiful on the inside it shows” pep talk crap was bringing me out of this one.

Then I did the worst possible thing I could have done. I took a long look in the mirror. I saw gray hair coming in, bags under my eyes, crows feet, flabby muffin top above my c-section scars (all that skin that used to cover a pregnant belly) and the bitch of all formerly breast feeding mothers – far less that perky girls. That’s not even mentioning the scars from a hip replacement and the limp I’ve always had, which makes me feel extra hideous most of the time.

Needless to say, I got kind of depressed. I know, I know, it’s not healthy to compare yourself with other people. But seriously, the longer I looked the more convinced I got that it’s going to take some serious money to cheer me up. And that depressed me more.

What we go through to feel good about ourselves is completely out of control in this country. How does anyone without a sugar daddy or trust fund keep up? Here’s a look at the numbers:

  • Hair cut and foil to cover gray: $150 every two months.
  • Clinique serums and lotions to reduce puffiness, lighten dark spots, firm skin, lessen wrinkles: $80 a month average
  • Nice new perky C-cup girls and tummy tuck: $10,000, minimum
  • Someone to take me shopping and pick out some sexy clothes because I have NO fashion sense: Beats the hell out of me. None of my mom pals have the time for this crap.
  • New clothes that make me feel sexy: Sky is the limit here.

That’s when I have to go back and look at those posts, like the Mommyologist’s Mom Sexy pep talks, and get real with my sad and pathetic self. Ok, here goes:

Get a grip girl. You KNEW that if you had kids, your body would take a beating. When everyone is gone and the house is quiet, you panic a little as you remember a time when that house was just yours and you were as lonely as hell. With that body, you’ve found a wonderful man who loves you and would slay dragons for you. Together, you’ve produced two beautiful children who each got a healthy full year of breast milk (which you should remember to be very thankful your body was able to do). And even though your body shows the signs of two children, your man isn’t running for the hills. He’s actually buying you flowers and loving you to death. What the HELL is WRONG with you? Stop looking at pictures of 20-something nymphs and actresses who’ve yet to use their boobs for something more than getting attention and start looking at all the great stuff in your life. That Clinique investment has actually turned around some of the aging signs that were bothering you and you do look and feel great after a hairdo. And news flash, there are lots of nice padded push up bras in the far less than $10,000 price tag. So keep with the Clinique, get your hair done, get those bras, invest every now and then in something flattering and quit your bitching, damn it!

There, that should do it. Actually, I feel much better now.


Jeannette June 4, 2010 at 1:08 pm

You should feel better! It’s all true. I wish LB had breastfed…. but other than that… that was a nice pick me up for me too. I needed to hear it too. I think you’re very pretty btw.

Twitter: Heligirl
June 4, 2010 at 2:22 pm

Thanks Jeannette. You’re such a sweetie. 🙂

Katie June 4, 2010 at 1:16 pm

Ugh! I have those same moments, too! I’ve had 2 c-sections + a hysterectomy, so, yeah… my belly looks like a deflated balloon. And I’ve NEVER been big in the chest department, and after two kids and hitting my 40’s, the girls look like the chest on African tribal women. I HAVE lost nearly 40 pounds with Weight Watchers about 6 years ago and managed to keep all but the last 5-10 pounds off (family said I was TOO skinny and asked me to put some weight back on. HA! There’s a first!).

But you know what helps? I look at my calves and my thighs and think, “These suckers are rock hard from all that crazy running I’ve been doing for the last 26+ years. They’ve carried me up hills and across finish lines. They look good in shorts and mini skirts.” That is what cheers me up and makes me happy.

Maybe taking small steps like taking a walk around the block, or swimming a few laps, something to make those endorphins flowing, will do the trick. Those little “feel good” babies are addicting!

And the grey hair? Only my stylist knows just how grey I really am!

Happy Friday!

Twitter: Heligirl
June 4, 2010 at 2:22 pm

Love you Katie. Thanks so much. Yes, I think doing a little working out might help, at least with the endorphins. Hugs and happy Friday to you too!!

Kris June 4, 2010 at 2:33 pm

I feel your pain! Any time I feel less than perfect, I think of this Mom and it kind of puts it all in perspective for me!

Twitter: Heligirl
June 5, 2010 at 6:50 am

Wow Kris. That was powerful. I sure feel so shallow for wallowing in my misery now. Thank you. 🙂

Pamela June 4, 2010 at 5:47 pm

I can totally relate. I work in an office where 90% of the staff is under 30 & it does get depressing when you start comparing yourself to some of those young ‘uns! We just have to keep in in perspective & focus on the things we like about ourselves;)

Twitter: Heligirl
June 5, 2010 at 6:51 am

Thanks Pamela. That’s just so true. Funny that when we were those young ‘uns, we were so wrapped up in ourselves we didn’t realize how good we had it!

Jennifer @ three pugs & a baby June 4, 2010 at 6:09 pm

Aw. I think we all have those days. My nemesis? Spider veins. No matter what I do, my legs are a disgusting web of purple. Yuck.

I try not to let it get me down,but it’s hard. And I totally think regular exercise is a huge help.


Twitter: Heligirl
June 5, 2010 at 6:55 am

Hugs back at you Jennifer. Thanks so much. I just can’t tell everyone enough how much the support means. You’re right. We all have our little things we’d change about ourselves.

My mom had those veins really bad because she was a nurse and on her feet all the time. She invested in some saline injections for a year or so and started running, then dancing. They went away so that exercise thing really does work! Keep it up girl.

Alexandra June 4, 2010 at 8:46 pm

You’re so right.

I am what I am. As long as I exercise (I do) and don’t eat junk ( I don’t) then I’m giving it all I’ve got.

Except the clinique thing…really gotta get started on some good cosmetics..

Twitter: Heligirl
June 5, 2010 at 7:08 am

I need to remind myself of that too – exercise and eat well. I feel better when I make the time to do this. Thanks for the reminder. 🙂

And I can’t say enough about the Clinique. Wish they’d advertise on Heligirl (he, he). About six months after my son was born I really started to notice dark spots on my hands (like liver spots) and a couple on my face. I was horrified. I also saw kind of saggy skin, wrinkles and baggy/dark circle eyes. I suddenly got really self conscious about it and couldn’t get my mind off it. When I went to have my hair done, I saw a hairdresser there who I knew was in her 40s with 20s skin. I asked her what her secret was and she said she ALWAYS moisturizes. She said she couldn’t afford the expensive stuff so she just made sure to use a facial moisturizer every morning and night cream each night, as well as lots of eye cream. The trick is to just keep everything moisturized. I went from there to the Clinique counter and dropped $150. The Repairware line made a real difference with the crows feet and baggy eyes. I use it sparingly to make it last, but feel really good about how that’s working. It makes me feel a little better so it’s totally worth it. The Even Better dark spot lightener has made a difference. Truth is, you need $200 a tube prescription stuff to really get rid of liver spots, but this $50 a tube stuff that I use a drop of on my face and one on my hands twice a day had lightened them 50 percent. Then you just have to be really smart about using suntan lotion. It took about 3 – 6 months to see the major change, but it really did work. In some ways I’m comforted that it took that long. Anything that changes the look overnight would worry me that there are some strong chemicals in it. Moisturizing really is the key.

Susan June 6, 2010 at 9:40 am

I hate to tell you, but it’s just the beginning. Wait until you hit perimenopause and you break out like a teenager, turn into she-devil, and thoughts escape your brain like vaporous gasses. As for having perky girls, call me when you have to powder under them daily and we’ll talk. Muffin top? How about a whole loaf of bread and rolls galore. A few grays? I have stock in L’Oreal. As for expensive OTC creams and serums, don’t waste your money- seriously. Go see a dermatologist and get a prescription for Retin-A, and use 50 SPF sunblock religiously- seriously. (I’d send you to my dad, but he retired 14 yrs. ago).

I suppose having a kid who has required a lot more energy than most has left me worn out. And that has one side benefit I never considered before, and I thank you for bringing it to my attention this morning: that I don’t really care if I’m sexy or not, and I never evaluate my physical body for more than 5 seconds at a time. To my son and my husband, I’m fabulous! Bring on the ibuprofen and caffeine.

(Just wanted to thank you for inspiring me to write my own blog, so it’s begun. It’s not fabulous yet, but as with everything that I am, it’s a work in progress.)

Heligirl June 6, 2010 at 10:42 am

Wow, I’m so excited about all I have to look forward to now. Yes, I need to be reminded to just be in the now and appreciate all that I have. It is always best in this moment. :0)

And I’m totally psyched that I inspired you to start your blog. How cool is that? Hope it wasn’t this pathetic self pity session that pushed you to start the blog so you could tell the world that those who pity themselves need to be painted in honey and staked out in the desert next to a hill of fire ants. Cuz I’d only do that if Hugh Jackman was coming to rescue me. Naked.

Krista @ Not Mommy of the Year June 6, 2010 at 4:18 pm

I loved this. Like you, I skim through the weight loss blog posts because I dropped the baby weight pretty easily. But even though the number on the scale is the same as pre-baby the pants don’t fit the same, my once flat belly is still flabby and my boobs look deflated. And, sometimes it’s hard not to get caught up in that. So, I loved your pep talk and I’m gonna try to give one to myself. Thanks! 🙂

Twitter: Heligirl
June 7, 2010 at 10:08 am

Thanks Krista. Yeah, the pep talk is needed from time to time. It sure helps to put things in perspective. That was kind of the reason for this post in the first place. 🙂

erin June 8, 2010 at 7:07 pm

we all have our own issues. lord knows i have plenty. i have big ugly feet and i got lots of spider veins when i was pregnant. i have a slab of skin that hangs over my c-section scar. lovely. but you’re right—the mommyologist is onto something w/ this Mom Sexy deal. are you going to her prom? i am nervous , but i think i’m gonna do it!

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