Let’s Talk About Sex

by Heligirl on June 11, 2010

in Daily Ramblings

Hot. Wet. Animal Sex. Slow loving cuddle sex. The kind that gives you shivers for the next 15 minutes. And the kind that just leaves you warm and fuzzy inside. All kinds really.

I bring this up because I think we could all use a little reminder from time to time, especially if we’re married with kids. This can sometimes fall by the wayside in a lot of marriages. I know I’m guilty. From the time I got pregnant the first time in January 2007 to today my body has been shared with a child, be it in pregnancy or breastfeeding, and I’ve had little to no interest in getting busy. That’s almost 3 ½ years. We were married only four months when I got pregnant. That’s not a lot of time for hot newlywed sex, especially when some of it was “get over here now I’m ovulating” sex.

As those who’ve been pregnant before know, our bodies change a lot during the whole pregnancy and post partum (breastfeeding) experience. As my estrogen levels plummeted my libido literally dried up, if you catch my drift. Sex was a colossal chore assisted by my friend KY Jelly, because without it I was having flashbacks to the healing stages after birth – sharp pain. Not being masochistic by nature, that didn’t do it for me. I’m also not ashamed to admit it had been well over three years since I’d had an orgasm. In the end, I found myself just doing everything I could to make it great for him as fast as possible so it could just be over already.

God how I wish I’d known about the estrogen cream. My buddy Kit from Blogging Dangerously recently guest posted on Heir to Blair about her experience with this miracle cream. Oh how I wish I’d known that would make things better. Hindsight is a wonderful gift.

In addition to the dry, not so into touchy feely, no orgasms for Jen feelings, I was always tired and really just couldn’t stand the idea of sex or any other touching that didn’t include massaging my swollen feet. Add to that my often full breasts had a tendency to leak and were almost always sore, and you have a recipe for celibacy. Poor hubby.

Hubby was amazing. He didn’t push it and just rolled with the punches. We were a strong family and he loved me and the kids to death. Why put myself through the pain of trying to have sex? Then I started seeing things happen around me that really got my attention. Long marriages were falling apart, either ending in divorce or fighting down the long road of healing after infidelity.

After talking to some of the wives, I noticed a few things in common among them all. One of those things was very much a lack of intimacy. Over a period of time the couple had gone from a intimate loving couple to two adult roommates sharing a space. That’s when things like infidelity, bickering, disrespect, stonewalling and the like started to move in and undermine all they worked to build. Now, I’m not saying that the lack of banging the headboard against the wall will cause your marriage to fail, but it sure got me thinking about what I could do to keep the intimacy alive.

I started slow as my body began to get back to normal once Mr. Man went on solid food. As his demand for my milk  dropped my energy sbegan to return. I started forcing myself to take a little time out of each day for Hubby. I started giving back massages, foot rubs, making the extra effort to make a really nice bunch of meals he liked, even taking him out to his favorite brew pub.

Wow, what a difference that little bit made. Hubby started doing nice little things for me too – making banana bread, taking the kids on a Saturday morning so I could just veg out and watch a movie, buying me little things. It was like courting all over again.

Then my libido started to return. About two months ago (would have been MUCH sooner if I got that damn estrogen cream) I started to feel the old longings again. Like a rusty old sports car neglected in an old barn, my sex drive was roaring back to life. One night, after the kids went to bed, as we sat on the couch I gave Hubby the come hither look. I told him I was headed to bed and did he want to join me.

Holy crap people, that was the best sex I’d had in YEARS. Two nights later it was just as great. And we’ve been like giddy teenagers together a lot since. Great sex really does beget great sex. The more you have, the more you want and like. We’re not crazy animals, sending the kids to bed early and jumping each other in the hall. We’re lucky if we can squeeze in a couple of times a week between ear infections, teething and just the daily grind, but it’s a hell of a lot more than we were having. And when we’re giving each other looks and making innuendos in notes and e-mails to each other during the day, the sex is even better. Anticipation is an aphrodisiac, and I’m here to tell you nothing lets the stress go like a big mind-blowing orgasm.

So I guess the moral of this rambling story is, even if you’re tired, not in the mood, or just plain not the least bit interested in anyone touching you now that the kids are finally off you and in bed, think again. That great person sharing this life with you just might be what the doctor ordered. In the beginning, you might have to force yourself to take those first steps. But if you keep at it, you’ll be forcing yourself to keep your hands off.

Now go out and have fun. I want to hear you screaming from here!


Blair@HeirtoBlair June 11, 2010 at 3:52 pm

Great sex begets great sex. So, so true.

Heligirl June 11, 2010 at 7:18 pm

You betcha girl. Thanks for working with Kit to do your post. It is fortuitous that I was late in posting this (had it ready to go on Tuesday). That way I could make mention of two of my favorite blogger. Yeah!

Kit June 11, 2010 at 4:30 pm

TOTALLY FREAKING AWESOME! So happy for you and the husband. Thanks for the shout out and for helping get the message out. No one should have painful sex and NO ONE should FORGO sex because it hurts!

Heligirl June 11, 2010 at 7:21 pm

Seriously Kit, thank you. You inspired me. Thanks again for everything. You deserve the attention and I’m grateful for your boldness. My I one day be half as brave as you.

Jeannette June 11, 2010 at 4:52 pm

I’m not breastfeeding… but I’m still in that tired as hell stage. I hear ya when you say you were just trying to get it over with. I’ll keep pushing forward but man it’s hard some days. Great post. There is light at the end of this tunnel.

Heligirl June 11, 2010 at 7:22 pm

There is. Hang in there beautiful and give it some time. You’ll make it, big time!

LCW June 11, 2010 at 6:23 pm

I need to procure this cream. Where do I get it?? I’m finally not feeding around the clock, and my libido is coming back BUT it’s not the same and I know it’s because of bfing and well I want it, but then just fall apart. Great, great post.

Heligirl June 11, 2010 at 7:23 pm

Linds, it’s a prescription the OB can give you. Go in and complain about painful sex and needing something to make it better. 🙂 The only thing is some insurance companies won’t pay for it, but it’s worth shelling out yourself. I promise!

Kate June 11, 2010 at 6:49 pm

This is a great post!

Heligirl June 11, 2010 at 7:24 pm

He, he. Took some balls, but I’m glad it speaks to some folks. Thanks for visiting!

Brittany at Mommy Words June 11, 2010 at 6:50 pm

Good for you! Still feeding Violet every 4 hours or so but man I cannot wait to want to jump back in the sack. We are starting with some heavy petting and I am hoping it will all come back. Multiple times a week is great with multiple kids. WooHoo!

Heligirl June 11, 2010 at 7:25 pm

Totally psyched we can finally do this again. Keep the faith my dear. I couldn’t have done this when still feeding every 4 hours. It takes work and a patient hubby, but in the end, it pays off. 🙂

Sammie June 11, 2010 at 7:42 pm

Great post, took some balls! 🙂 That first year or so after birth was tough for us in the sex department, but once you get back into the swing of things…hot damn. We’re like, why did we ever STOP? lol

Twitter: Heligirl
June 12, 2010 at 2:10 pm

Woo hoo! Glad to hear you’ve back in the saddle girl!

Erin June 12, 2010 at 5:07 am

I’m relieved to hear that others have had to wait longer than a year for things to return to normal. A lot of information I read kept saying it can take a year and I was very disappointed when things hadn’t improved when we got to my daughter’s first birthday. Things are starting to improve now, but it seems like a long, hard journey and we’d like to put a second child into our family. It’s good to know that there are options available to those who speak with their doctors. Also, uncomfortable sex may not be just from low estrogen levels, but from cysts or endometriosis. Cysts have been a problem for me in the past.

Twitter: Heligirl
June 12, 2010 at 2:12 pm

I hate that we’ve given this time period that’s “normal” and if we go beyond it we’re now wondering what’s wrong with us. I’m glad that my gut spilling helps give others some support. I also love that people are sharing their experiences here too. Yeah!

Natalie June 12, 2010 at 8:37 am

THANK YOU for writing this!! It was just the reminder I needed to hear. Sex? What’s that?! By the time the kids all go down, I’m done for the day. Sex is just one more thing to do. I need to change my attitude and just do it (pun intended) because I know once we get started, well, I’ll enjoy myself 🙂

Thanks for visiting my blog, I’m so glad we found each other, and I look forward to getting to know you!

Twitter: Heligirl
June 12, 2010 at 2:14 pm

That’s totally how I felt, like it was a chore, one more thing to do. But in the end it’s paying off. It would have been paying off sooner if I had that cream! LOL!

Susan June 12, 2010 at 7:08 pm

Great post. I really need to make this more of a priority. Between my Dh’s work schedule, my horrible back, and our both being tired a lot (especially me), our sex life is almost non-existant. We’re trying, but as with a lot of things around here, if I don’t make it happen, it usually doesn’t get done.

Thanks for the nudge!

Tracy (AKA The Mayor!) June 14, 2010 at 1:55 pm

I love a chick with balls! Great post! 😀

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