Confessions: House Rule

by Heligirl on July 16, 2010

in Confessions,Daily Ramblings

Our house has an unspoken rule. The dogs and cats wrote it, but the kids seem to know it intuitively and follow it to the letter. That rule is: no one pees alone in our house. Or poos for that matter. No one. Ever. Period.

Gotta go? You’d better not close the door all the way until at least one, and sometimes three or more, other bodies have entered the room. Dogs, cats and children alike can be playing in the backyard and their Spidey sense will go off the second you have the urge to go. Before you can walk to the bathroom and close the door behind you, they’ll be there.

Since Mr. Man became mobile that number has increased. Two kids and a dog are the typical for me. If the kids are asleep, sometimes it’s both dogs (my older dog would rather not be in close quarters with the kids and since he sees his law is being followed by at least one child or the other dog, he sits it out in those cases).

You get used to it. In fact, I’m not sure what to do with myself when I enter the bathroom and no one is following. I’ve long since given up closing the door behind me. When all the pets are outside and they have no way of entering the house without my assistance, and the children are either asleep or out with Hubby, I’ll just go in and leave the door open out of habit. Sometimes it’s lonely and I talk to myself.

However, there’s one very important amendment to the no one pees (or poos) alone rule. The chaperon, if you will, for either Hubby or myself cannot be the other. I’ve no idea where this came from. Back home when I was a kid, you peed your heart out with the door wide open. My roommates and I did it all the time in the apartments we shared and it never once struck me as odd. Just something us girls did. You can keep the conversation going better that way, by keeping the door open and just chatting away. I’m not saying everyone followed you into the room in those cases, but they’re within ear shot and may walk by the open door.) Hell, I’ll do it while on the phone with my brother (it’s kind of a ritual with us sadly). Boyfriends came and went from the bathroom as I used it, and vice versa. But have a urinary or digestive waste expulsion function with our spouse in the same room? No way Jose. God forbid the other even hear the sound of such a deed.

Should one of us be in the bathroom doing the thing which shall not be named around the other, and we hear the other one of us coming near,  something to the effect of “I’m busy in here” will be shouted out, even if the door is wide open and an assortment of bi and quadroped creatures are with the aforementioned deed doer.

I kid you not. To go into our master bedroom from the hall, you have to pass the master bath, which is just inside the bedroom door. One cannot enter the bedroom if the other is in the bathroom, on the throne, because the ever present children have invariably opened the closed door.

I think the only time Hubby has ever been in the room with me when I was on the pot was just after my water broke and that’s where I sat as the liquid continued to flow. Can’t say it counts, can you? I was so excited (five days past my due date and as uncomfortable as hell) I didn’t care one bit. The baby was finally coming, rule be damned. Hell, he couldn’t see anything over my gargantuan stomach anyway. But that didn’t stop him from averting his eyes and running right back out, reaching in to throw a towel at me to clean up the amniotic fluid covered floor.


So there you have it. My first intimate confession of many I’ll be making here. Can’t say I know how often or when they’ll come. This is a little exercise for me to get better at not holding back. I’ll try to come up with something regularly and put them in the Confessions category so those of you with voyeuristic tendencies can gorge away.


The Mayor! July 16, 2010 at 6:54 am

LOL, man isn’t that the truth! Around Crazy Town, you can add showering to that list too…anything that may be done in a bathroom! And my kids even know how to PICK THE LOCK if I am ever silly enough to think locking the door will keep them out!!!

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Heligirl July 16, 2010 at 8:32 am

Oh yeah, showers too. Never a quiet shower unless they’re locked in their rooms!

Carol Ann July 16, 2010 at 8:27 am

It’s the same in our house with the company in the can, except that Hubs and I share the bathroom all the time…the only thing we don’t do, is hang around for the wiping…that requires privacy! LOL
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Heligirl July 16, 2010 at 8:31 am

LOL, on man, that’s funny right there!

Pamela July 16, 2010 at 8:57 am

Funny post! OMG I was nodding my head the whole way through this! Before my son came along, the cat first started following me in the washroom every single time and would then meow his head off if I dared close the door. Then of course the kid started as soon as he could walk. But hubby insists on doing his business in private – which I completely understand, but I unfortunately, do not have that luxury!!
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Heligirl July 16, 2010 at 10:15 am

Seriously, no one can join your hubby? I’m the only one banned from that in this house. He gets kids and pets too.

themombshell July 16, 2010 at 10:24 am

Me too! I have to force myself to remember to close the door when I am anywhere outside of my house!
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Heligirl July 16, 2010 at 11:32 am

Ha, ha!! I imagine you forgetting and the resulting freak out by the person you’re over visiting. Well, unless she was a mom, then she’d just most likely not even notice.

Ofthesea July 16, 2010 at 2:38 pm

Hear hear! My son barely crawls,and has only ever come to the loo with me when we’re travelling and have no other choice… yet I totally see this coming our way!

I’m SO used to leaving the door open so i can continue my conversations or hear what’s going on, it’s also a wonder I close them in public loos.

Colleen July 16, 2010 at 5:32 pm

LOL this is too funny. And like everyone else same thing here. I can never seem to go to the bathroom by myself!
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Twitter: Heligirl
July 16, 2010 at 5:50 pm

He he, great to see you Colleen!

Rebekah C July 17, 2010 at 10:04 am

I came over from AlabasterCow to check you out and this is the first post I get?! HA! You are singing my SONG woman!

This is so funny and SO true! My husband has caught my babies and seen everything there is to see but when it comes time for the “bathroom break” he won’t come within 10ft of the door and the same unspoken rule applies to me. Who cares of the cats and all three kids are crammed in there with me? That’s seven bodies!!!!

I’m curious, though, does the “kids must accompany mom to the bathroom at all times” rule apply to hubby, too? Dh doesn’t care if the animals are in there with him but the girls are absolutely not allowed and he doesn’t really like having our son in there, either. I feel kind of jipped, you know? I mean, really, we should share all aspects of parenting! The pointing and questions should be wholly experienced by BOTH parents, don’t you think? 😛
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Twitter: Heligirl
July 17, 2010 at 5:33 pm

I totally agree Rebekah! Hubby will allow the kids in. It bothered him in the beginning, but he’s down with it now. Men are such weird creatures. 🙂 welcome btw. Looking forward to checking out your site.
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Booyah's Momma July 18, 2010 at 9:09 am

I can relate! We have an open door policy in our house with the bathrooms, which tends to backfire a bit when we go out in public or have guests over. Although I wish this applied to my husband and I. Closing doors and turning on fans rarely occurs around here.

Heligirl July 18, 2010 at 2:43 pm

Double edged sword, isn’t it? He, he.

Kimberly July 18, 2010 at 4:41 pm

Boy am I glad it is not just me. I can’t even walk into the bathroom to blow my nose or to wash my face without my two dogs and son following me in there. It’s crazy! They could be totally preoccupied with something else and wham there they are. It’s like they have bathroom antennas connected to their head. 😉

Loved this post.
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Heligirl July 18, 2010 at 5:29 pm

Totally Kimberly! You can’t even have the urge to pee without a full on invasion starting.

Meredith July 19, 2010 at 5:03 am

Oh, I can so relate to this! Kids and cats are always joining me any time I’m in my (tiny) bathroom, but the husband will throw everyone out, then shut and lock the door. He would probably install some sort of deadbolt on there if he could. He’s appalled at the lack of privacy around the house, but everyone just ignores his thoughts on the matter.

Heligirl July 19, 2010 at 2:40 pm

Ha, ha! Men, why should they get the privacy? Sigh.

Twitter: NatashaJ
June 13, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Okay, I happened upon this post and had to comment because it’s SO TRUE. You are not alone sister. I have said on more than one occasion: how is it that we have a house with more than two thousand square feet of space but everyone ends up within 6 inches of me, especially when I have some personal matters (ahem) to attend to?! A friends with three kids said, “Well, someone is constantly peeing, pooing or being cleaned after doing one or the other so I guess it just become the natural state of things that someone’s ass is hanging out somewhere in this camp.” Thanks for sharing and once again proving we’re all more alike than we are different.

Twitter: Heligirl
June 15, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Thanks Natasha. 🙂 I don’t think we’d be able to live in a 45 bathroom mansion and have a bit of peace for our matters to attend to. Guess we’ll just enjoy the time when they want to be with us because all too soon they’ll be embarrassed to be seen with us, after calling us stupid and wanting to borrow the car.

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