Hubby was gone two days and nights this week, giving me the “opportunity” to single parent. This time I approached it with a new attitude.

One thing that I did differently than I have in the past when alone with the kids for extended periods is I prepared myself for the worst. At my house that means the kids are fighting, not listening, crying or otherwise driving me to finish off a whole bottle of wine the minute they’re in bed.

In preparation for this eventuality, I cleared my schedule, so to speak. I didn’t check e-mail, I didn’t blog or visit blogs, I didn’t do any freelance work and only did housework that could be done in five minutes (load the washer, turn on the dishwasher, etc.) Everything else (fold clothes, empty dishwasher, check e-mail, etc.) was done when the kids were in bed, and the chores were done in order of importance until I couldn’t take it anymore and needed to pass out. Blogging got behind.

The results of this somewhat negative attitude (prepare for the worst) ended up being a strong brush with positive discipline. Which is kind of sad when you think about it because if I was listening to the stuff I write a little more I could have told me it would happen.

The kids were WONDERFUL. You see, I gave them all my attention. Because I wasn’t trying to do other things, I was focused on them, and that is the secret.

We played a lot together, like discovering this new game where I push cars and such under the door to Mr. Man’s room (we have wooden floors) and they’re on the other side laughing so hard I swear they both peed themselves (good thing they’re in diapers still). I kept track of time and because of that remembered to give them lots of 5- and 2-minute warnings before brushing teeth, washing hands, cleaning up, having a meal, going to preschool, etc. We stayed on routine and went with the flow. When someone cried, I was able to respond right away with a kiss or a distraction and it was over as soon as it started.

And then my Sweetness made me cry.

We were playing a game in the living room after dinner and I mentioned we had two minutes to play before clean up and bath time. Then when it was time, I told them to clean up and I got down on the floor in the living room and started cleaning up. Sweetness helped me pick up the game. Then she disappeared. Once I was done picking up I went to find her. She’d gone into Mr. Man’s room and was singing the clean up song softly to herself as she…cleaned.his.room. All books were back on the shelf, cars and other toys in his toy box, and even his sleep toy (an elephant cuddly toy) that had he pulled out of the crib was back in his crib.

When she turned and saw me in the doorway, I lost it. I just started crying and gave her lots of hugs and thank yous for helping me.

“You cleaned baby brother’s room all by yourself. I didn’t even have to ask. That was so nice. Thank you so much.”

She beamed.

Then she cleaned her room, took off her clothes and came into the bathroom for her bath. I only had to ask once. I called Hubby. And cried.

Everything has been such a terrible battle of wills lately. No matter how many 5- and 2-minute warnings or kind but firm statements that it was time to (fill in the blank here), it was always resisted. I looked back and have to admit that I was also very busy, distracted with other things, and usually running late or out of patience. I was the problem.

By slowing down, giving the kids all my attention, and taking the time to connect with them through play, I discovered they’re very capable of doing what I ask when I ask it, as long as they’re feeling connected. I’m telling you, there really is something to this parenting method, and I can suck at it at times. But when I get it right, WOW!

Hubby got home late last night. He was off today and as I was getting ready to leave, I mentioned to him that the kids needed to brush their teeth once Mr. Man was done with breakfast. I kissed Sweetness and reminded her to help Daddy brush Mr. Man’s teeth. Then I left. I realized I forgot something and when I came back in, Sweetness was in the bathroom putting toothpaste on her toothbrush. No one asked her to brush her teeth. She was taking the initiative.

Needless to say, I had to fix my mascara before I could head back out the door.

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This year is the third year I’ve participated in a local co-op preschool focused heavily on positive discipline. We learn about tricks and techniques during class through the gentle guidance of the kids’ teacher and the parent instructor (there is one of each in every class), as well as several evening seminars offered to those of us in the preschool program (at no additional charge).

Right out of the gate they recommend new parents to the program take the evening seminar called “Parents as Teachers.” This class gives us valuable information about child development as well as a look at why they do what they do in preschool. We go home with all kinds of information on how to guide and discipline our kids in nurturing ways.

For me, two big things stood out from this class. The first was the strong emphasis on encouraging the children to solve their own problems (rather than stepping in) and the other was factual commenting.

Factual commenting didn’t come natural to me. It took work, but after practice I got the hang of it and the change I saw in Sweetness after a few months was really exciting to watch.

Factual commenting is basically providing constant commentary on what your baby, toddler or preschooler is doing. Your child is listening and after enough repetition from you, he will pick up the vocabulary. What’s more, when you’re factually commenting on what your child is doing, you’re focused on her. This deepens your connection with her, helps fill her love cup with positive attention, and just plain pleases her to no end that you’re paying attention and noticing.

Here’s an example:

Your little boy is playing with two toy cars, a red one and a blue one. You’re simply sitting on the floor with him and commenting on what he’s doing, “You’re driving the red car over the pillow. Look at how fast it can go. Oh the red car and blue car crashed into each other. They’re having a race. Where did the blue car go? You saw it go under the chair. You’re being so careful that you don’t bump your head when you get the car.”

Some parents and teachers keep this going ad nauseum, and to be honest, there is only so much I can do. I’m certainly not going nonstop. However, I’ll pick and choose certain things to say and even ask questions. I’ll do this a lot when the kids are first learning language and I’ve seen Sweetness learn vocabulary, like her colors and counting just by me counting the blocks she’s putting into the bin as she does it, or commenting on the colors of things she’s playing with.

However, the real impact of the commenting I did with Sweetness the first two years of her life suddenly came to light as I started doing it with Mr. Man. As soon as she saw me commenting on him playing she jumped right in. Now I’ll hear her in his room with him, “That’s an orange car baby brother. You’re driving on the rug.”

When Little Dude finally decides to start talking, he’ll be off to the races for sure.

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If you’ve been reading Heligirl for any amount of time, you know I’m a huge believer in positive discipline and doing all I can to work with my kids rather than punish them when they misbehave. More often than not I feel like I’m stumbling in the dark and crashing into some rather fragile things. But every once in a while I actually find the switch to the lamp, and the lovely soft light that floods the room makes all the bumps and bruises worth it.

Last night was one of those moments.

Sweetness was doing her usual fussing and power struggle maneuvers that have become so much the norm lately. We’d written a lot of it off as a toddler exploring her independence, but that was getting to be an old mantra. I needed to try something different.

I thought back to an important theme in Pam Leo’s book Connection Parenting. Pam reminds us that the greatest emotional need of every child is to bond securely with at least one other human being. And the key to building and maintaining that bond is connection. She also reminds us that when a child is misbehaving, the misbehavior is only a symptom of something deeper. My job as a parent is to determine what that deeper thing is and provide what the child is missing. The behavior will then change. It’s a lot of work, but so much better than the alternative – using punishment to make a child behave out of fear.

Last night I heard hubby struggling with Sweetness on the verge of tantrum. He’d asked her to get undressed several times and she was still half dressed, crying and demanding to do it herself even though she wasn’t doing it. I walked in and asked if I could take over. Hubby left. This got Sweetness’s attention. I sat down on the floor with her and just started talking to her. “How was your day?” “Did you have fun at daycare?” etc. At first each question was met with “NO,” but then she started talking. We talked about the airplane ride we’ll take on Saturday, what she wanted to wear after her bath, what book she wanted to read, and so on. Before I knew it, she was starting to take off her clothes. She asked me if I’d give her her bath. “Of course,” I smiled.

We had a nice bath then got dressed and in bed with little difficulty. I read her a book and climbed into bed with her for a snuggle and a song.

As I walked out of her room, I felt really, really good about myself for slowing down and connecting with with my baby girl. It was about 40 minutes later than her bed time, but the extra time I took was well spent. She went to bed feeling connected and loved rather than exhausted and disconnected after an evening of power struggles. At least for the night I could feel like I got it right. We can’t always make the time we need to connect the way a child demands at the moment, and in those shorter times it will be a struggle. My hope is that by taking the time like this when I can it will all balance out. At least her therapy will cost less than mine did.

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Too cute, I had to borrow this from Babble.com.

Out of the blue yesterday after I got home from work and the nanny left, Sweetness stopped what she was doing and stared off into space – classic potty behavior. She then looked at me, grabbed the front of her diaper and said, “Sit on potty. Diaper change.” Though I knew she already went, I jumped out of my seat and ran to the bathroom all excited about her renewed interest in the potty. “Maybe we’ll be out of diapers by high school, instead of college,” I think as she follows me to the bathroom. We stopped by her little potty and I proceeded to undo her pants and diaper when she grabbed my hands and said,” “no, big girl potty” and pointed to the toilet.

I was stunned into silence. The big girl potty? That big scary thing she’s screamed blood murder about the couple of times in her whole life I’ve had the audacious nerve to suggest she might want to sit on? I think I actually said, “Are you serious?”

We walked the few feet to the big girl potty and I showed her she could put her stool in front of it and step up. She pushed my hands away and low and behold, she did it herself. She stepped up, turned, sat down carefully and slid back a bit, all by herself, and told me as much, “all by myself, you did it!” (She’s still working on pronouns.) She got on and off and then started to get silly, smiling, singing, kicking her feet, so proud of herself. I warned her to be careful, to keep her feet on the stool and hands on the seat. She must have thought I was full of hot air. Until it happened.

“Splash!” Oh the screaming that accosted my ears as I suddenly envisioned my dreams of pre-college potty training fly out the window (just above my head and a little to the left). This was a delicate moment, I knew it. She could be scarred for life – afraid to sit on the toilet now for several years – if I didn’t play this right. I pulled her up right away and resisted the urge to say “it’s alright.” If it was alright, she wouldn’t be screaming. Now more than ever I HAD to get the connection thing right.

“That scared you. And the water’s cold, isn’t it? It’s just water. Cold water. Like a cold bath.”

She took a couple of more breaths of crying then settled down really quick. “Cold.”

“Aw, yes. It’s cold. You know what? Mommy did that too when she was little. That’s cold on your butt. But look, now we can wipe and flush.” I showed her how to pull off the toilet paper and she LOVES to flush, so suddenly it was all worth it. She flushed and then stepped back up and sat back down, this time herself she said, “be careful.”

In the end, she sat on the toilet in the kids/guest bathroom for about 20 minutes then followed me into the master bath and got on and off that toilet for another 20 minutes while I took a shower. She found ours to be more comfortable as we have the elongated seat (not as wide for a little tushy) where the guest bathroom’s seat is round. Despite this 40 minute foray into the world of the “big girl potty,” no business was actually done. She sat on it again before bed and again this morning. Still nothing. We did take a trip to Babies R Us and got a little travel potty that sits on the toilet so she can hold on and not fall in. She actually wanted to use it at the store, so we did. Still no business though.

One small step for potty training. One giant gin and tonic for Mommy.

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Tantrums are often the result of a culmination of hurts that finally run over.

Have you ever had one of those days when the seemly smallest little thing suddenly turns your little cherub into passionate flailing, boneless, and red-faced inconsolable terror? There’s an explanation that really makes handling these episodes much easier, if only from an understanding perspective.

Pam Leo in her book Connection Parenting talks about tantrums in such a clear and concise way that it’s hard to misunderstand how some of these little (or in my case, hurricane force) storms seem to come without much warning.

Think of the child having a cup to store all of the day’s emotional hurts, Leo says. Every time the child feels hurt, another drop goes into the cup.  Then, that last drop, no matter how small, runs the cup over and the child needs to have emotional release of all the hurts. It’s important to understand they MUST have that release, otherwise these hurts are stored up and remain unhealed. Helping them to learn to safely express and then heal from emotional hurts is a big part of our job as parents and goes a long way toward helping build strong self esteem.

Sweetness, for instance, could be let down that she didn’t get the cereal she wanted for breakfast because we were out, then had to endure her brother playing with her car until he was finished, had to wear a hat outside even though she didn’t want to, wasn’t allowed to watch TV when she asked (even though she knew she wouldn’t), and wanted to go to the playground, but couldn’t because it was pouring outside. Then when Mommy suggest an art project and got everything ready, Sweetness had a complete and total meltdown because Mommy handed her a paintbrush, rather than letting her choose one herself.

At this point it’s so easy for the parent to lose it too and proclaim something like “there’s nothing to be upset about,” “do you need a time out?”, “so you don’t want to play, OK I’ll put it away,” “I’ll give you something to cry about,” etc. All of these things send a message that it’s not OK to express feelings. The response Leo emphasizes focuses on reconnecting with your little one by listening and expressing empathy for not only the little hurt that might have caused the tantrum, but the day’s hurts. Granted, you may not know what they all were. In fact, many little ones store it all up, especially when they’re away from home at school, daycare, at Grandma’s, etc. then let loose when they get home because they feel safe to express feelings at home. Some even go as far to provoke a hurt so they can let loose once they get home. Believe it or not, this is actually a good sign. Your child feels safe with you.

Regardless of what others may say, you can’t stop tantrums from happening. But, as I’ve experienced using Leo’s advice, you can sure reduce them and even shorten their length. In the example with Sweetness, I took her aside where she couldn’t dump the paint or knock over the easel and got down on the floor with her. At that point I talked in a calming voice to her to 1. acknowledge her feelings, 2. assure her they were normal, even if scary (these massive releases are scary to the kids), 3. Help give her a name for what she’s feeling, and most importantly, 4. Listen. “You sure are upset. Those are some big feelings. You wanted to pick out a brush to paint with and it upset you when I offered you one, didn’t it? It’s OK to have these big feelings.” At Sweetness’s age, it is useless to suggest other ways for her to get her anger out when she’s in the middle of a tantrum. We work on that when she’s calm. During the tantrum I can sometimes just rub her back. Other times she doesn’t want me touching her. So I just sit with her and tell her I’m right here and that I love her. When she’s having a real doozie and my talking only makes her scream louder, I tell her it looks like she needs some space to let out her feelings, so I’ll be on the couch, in the kitchen, right over here, what have you. If she’s in her room, I try not to close the door and isolate her. While having some peace helps her, I have to be careful not to send the message that feelings must be let out in isolation and I can’t be bothered with them.

Regardless of how the current tantrum is going, I tell her it’s ok to let the hurt feelings out so she can feel better. That is a concept she understands – butt cream makes the butt feel better (her words!), drinking milk when a bite is too hot makes her mouth feel better, so crying out hurt feelings makes her feel better. Once she gets past the worst part, she’ll sometimes talk to me, saying she was upset over this or that.

Lately, I’ve noticed she’s starting to recognize other hurts released. While a tantrum might have been set off by me not letting her pick a diaper, she’ll say in a post-tantrum sniffle something about baby brother having her truck. This helped me see that Leo was dead on and I am helping my little one by letting her release those hurt feelings then talk them out with me. As she gets older, we’ll talk more after outbursts, but now it’s enough for her to have me just listen, connect and be there.

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