Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy » Parenting Articles

The Restaurant is Open

Heligirl — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 09:15:51 +0000

If you read last week’s post, you know we’re climbing the walls here with the bad weather. This past week the snow left, but it has been pretty rainy on the days I’m home with the kids. We’ve built couch forts, played hallway bowling, designed elaborate ramp systems for Mr. Man’s car collection that breeds faster than Tribbles, and even ran out in our rain coats and boots to jump in puddles.

One thing I’ve been trying to do is come up with activities that I can participate in, but the kids take the lead using cooperation and some form of real life skills as well as a good dose of imagination. Learning to get along and practicing social skills used in real life situations helps prepare them for life. Take playing restaurant for example.

Mr. Man taking his line cook duties seriously.

I started randomly treating lunch time like we were at a restaurant. I welcomed them to “Mom’s Place Diner,” showed them their seats in the dining room, and gave them menus (coloring pages from their coloring book). I told them the options on the menu. They ordered, I cooked up, they ate.

Then they did the same for me with their toy food and kitchen. That was the best part.

They used their imagination, gave me enough food to feed an army, and played at it for quite some time. They were using their proper utensils to cook and flip things in the pans on their stove, and they played very well together.

Of course, my kids are preschoolers. Older kids can jump in and use the real kitchen, making sandwiches for each other or friends, even creating their own restaurant name and designing menus with craft supplies and photos from magazines.

My mom tip today is to try to simulate a real life activity with fun and imagination. Try playing restaurant, school, doctor visit, gas station (great on nice days with Tiny Tots cars or even bikes), etc. Imaginary play is so important in children’s development and when you take a little time to play along, you make these times even more special for your kids. Too soon they grow up and move away. Cherish these times together.

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Avoid the TV Trap

Heligirl — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 09:19:09 +0000

Weather the last week here in Seattle included snow, sleet, freezing rain, wind, ice, rain and slush. To say the kids are climbing the walls would be an understatement. I’m a big proponent of outside time every day, but with temperatures in the 20s and blowing freezing rain, outside was not something any of us willing to embrace.

And forget driving anywhere. The community center toddler play gyms, aquarium, Museum of Flight, and other rainy day haunts were closed, as were most other things in the area. Not to mention the treacherous roads.

Our little ranch house is not very conducive to being cooped up for more than a day. We don’t have a family or play room. Their play areas are limited to their rooms, the living room and dining room. That got old fast for the kids as I struggled to get a little work done.

I confess I fell into the TV trap, then quickly learned from my mistake. I keep a fairly strict TV limit. They can watch Sesame Street in the mornings, a half an hour of cartoons or Wii after nap, and Friday nights are movie night where we get into our jammies, make a bowl of popcorn and watch a kid flick together.

The kids were climbing the walls by Thursday and I had to manage a few work items on the computer. I put on a movie. Later they played video games and I lost track of time. They were on it for an hour or so playing Wii Sports Resort. That evening we were so low energy we put on a movie.

The next morning the kids were up at 5 a.m. and more out of control than ever. And they asked to watch TV all day. Yikes.

I turned on the stereo and announced dance party. We dressed up funny (a fairy princess with wings and a dress for Sweetness, this strange native Hawaiian with a tiara for Mr. Man, and a silly hat for me) and boogied our hearts out. I have to admit, the exercise wasn’t all that bad for me either. Though there is something a little concerning about their continued requests for Lady Gaga.

Once we were danced out I pulled out the craft box and the kids kept me working out as I set up and cleaned up as they kept changing their minds between painting, drawing and cutting with scissors. Luckily for me, after about two hours of entertaining them, they ran down the hall and started playing together in one of their rooms long enough for me to check mail and have some tea.

The day went much faster than the previous day as I played with them and they played together, and wouldn’t you know, they weren’t asking for the TV anymore. Kids really do prefer to be with us than Lightening McQueen or Sponge Bob. Best of all, they slept much better that night, meaning I got to sleep in too.

My mom tip today is to avoid the temptation to put the TV to use on bad weather days and get creative to keep your kids mentally and physically motivated. And as an added bonus you build connection and give them great memories they’ll reflect back on when they remember their childhoods and those bad weather days.

What do you do to entertain your kids on bad weather days? I’d love additional ideas!

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Letting Go of Control

Heligirl — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 09:55:42 +0000

Chances are you’ve heard all about helicopter parenting. I come across that and cringe just because I’m a mom and a helicopter pilot and sometimes people wonder if my blog is about helicopter parenting. Ugh, quite the contrary.

Helicopter parenting is in essence parents who hover over their children at all times, rarely giving the child the opportunity to learn from mistakes and figure their own way out of problems.

It’s hard to watch our children fail, but when we give them the knowledge and teach them the skills, we have to step back and let them try, and sometimes fail, if they’re going to appreciate their own ability to succeed. Failure is only a step to success. If we never failed, how could be so confident from our successes?

When babies are born, they need us to manage every aspect of their lives. We need to begin to let go as soon as they start doing things on their own. Continuing to do things for them, or control how they’re done, only stunts a child’s sense of independence and belief that they can do things themselves.

As we begin to let go, take baby steps. Just like when helping a toddler take his first steps we let go of their hands for a few precious steps to show them they can do it, we must also do the very same in all aspects of their lives in time.

Make time to teach your child what she needs to know before letting go. When we give them the knowledge and skill they need, they’re much more likely to manage doing something on their own sooner and with more confidence.

Remember to have and show your faith in your child. I tell the kids “That was a very good try. It takes practice. I have faith you’ll get the hang of this really soon. Just keep practicing.”

My mom tip for today: let go of your kids in little steps as soon as you can and you’ll give them the gift of learning through their own successes and failures, which will build strong self-belief.

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Teaching Kids to Believe in Themselves

Heligirl — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 09:27:25 +0000

Sweetness showed me something very special this week. If I just encourage her, believe in her and give her opportunities when she shows interest, she’ll prove to herself she can do it. Of course, in theory I knew this would be the case, but actually watching it happen was amazing.

I took Sweetness to see Disney on Ice’s Toy Story last November. She’d just dressed up as Jessie for Halloween and was on one huge Jessie kick. What’s more, she was completely enamored with ice skating. She came home that day running around the house with her arms out, doing spins and announcing she was ice skating. She reminded us time and again she wanted to go to ice skating school.

I’ve never been able to get the hang of ice skating and Hubby can barely stay up on skates. “Ice skating school” was probably the way to go as opposed to either of us trying to take her to a rink and teach her. The next day I looked into skating lessons. The first available class was just after New Year’s. I told her ice skating school starts after Christmas.

Sweetness kept that dream in her heart through the Christmas season, every so often asking when ice skating school starts.

This past Saturday was the big day. She hardly slept the night before and was up at 6 a.m. She picked her clothes (“a sweater because it’s cold on the ice”) and was so excited it was hard to get a snack into her before her 9:55 a.m. lesson.

Sweetness has a history of taking her time warming up to something. Failing can sometimes lead to tantrums. Deep down I was a little concerned that the continual falling and hard work to learn to skate might discourage her. I was careful not to show this, but reminded her it was going to take lots of time and practice and if she stuck with it, she’d do it. She was going to fall down a lot in the beginning, as were all the other kids. That was a part of learning.

However, Sesame Street had just had a section on ice skating school and the “monster” that was learning emphasized you just get back up and keep trying. She repeated that to me and I thought perhaps I’ve nothing to worry about at all.

Sweetness was one of three little 4 and 5 year olds with the teacher, and at 4 and three months, she was the youngest and smallest. She struggled to stay upright for the first 10 minutes of the 30-minute lesson, then she started to get the hang of it. She was getting herself up easily and marching across the ice. Even though the older kids made it across faster, her careful attitude kept her movements slow and deliberate. As a result her falls were less dramatic and she caught herself more and more as the lesson went on.

By 25 minutes into the lesson she was marching across the ice, touching knees and toes as the teacher gave them directions, and getting up easily after deliberate falls (the teacher was focusing on how to get up from falls) and the accidental falls.

As for me, I was openly crying with pride. She was expressing such determination to reach this dream. I was so very proud of her.

When she finished she ran up to me and said “I did it!” I hugged and kissed her, reminding her she put that little dream in her heart and she made it happen. Yes indeed, she did it.

She’s been insisting on watching the videos and photos we took throughout the lesson through the scuffed Plexiglas of the rink ever since.

My mom tip today is to be ever vigilant of those little dreams your kids put into their hearts and find a way to help them learn they can do it, be it climbing up and sliding down the big kid slide, picking up a new sport or instrument, doing something for themselves or learning a new skill.

Remember to be careful with praise versus encouragement. When we encourage them to reach for their dreams, support them through failures (rather than helping by doing some of it for them), and celebrating their successes by pointing out they did it (rather than “I’m so proud of you”) we can’t help but give them tremendous belief in themselves.

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Be a Kid with your Kids

Heligirl — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 09:54:40 +0000

With the daily routine of being an adult always in the way, sometimes it’s hard to remember the value of being a kid. However, when we take time out of our adult life to knock 20-50 years off our lives, we can get a great new perspective and connect with our kids.

That’s just what we did to ring in 2012.

We’ve been waiting for snow this late fall and winter and so far, nada. The kids are finally getting Christmas and my daughter was fully perplexed on how Christmas could be over and I’d put away the decorations when we haven’t had any snow yet. Rarely do we have a Christmas with snow here in Seattle, but we’ve usually had some white stuff by now.

Daddy shows Sweetness how it's done.

I figured it was high time we put the snow gear to a workout yesterday, the first day of 2012.

We loaded the kids and all their coats, snow pants, hats, gloves, boots and other various paraphernalia (including a plastic toboggan) into the car and headed for the local ski resort. The idea was the kids would have plenty of fun just playing around in the snow around the parking lot. And we were right.

Despite the balmy 54-degree first day of the year in Seattle, it was a nippy 27 degrees at Stevens Pass and much colder if you counted the wind. We lucked out and got a prime spot in the back corner of the parking lot, right next to a gently-sloping pile of snow plowed from the lot. After the initial shock of the cold, the kids became very curious about this red piece of plastic we pulled out of the back of the SUV.

Sweetness goes it alone.

Hubby jumped on the toboggan and demonstrated the appropriate huge grin and “weeeeee” required when mastering a snow hill.

Sweetness was hooked. After a few runs with Daddy, she convinced Mr. Man to make a go for it, which he insisted on doing with Mommy.

In minutes we were all preschoolers giggling and hollering as we took turns on the slope.

The kids lasted about 30 to 45 minutes before they started getting cold (the wind was blowing snow around and that got pretty upsetting for little Mr. Man as snow got in his eyes) and asking to go home. But the length of time really doesn’t matter.

Mommy and Sweetness hit the slope.

It was fun for us all and I giggled harder than I have in a long time. And the kids have been in great moods, getting along and being on their best behavior ever since. They feel connected.

Mommy and Mr. Man give it a whirl.

We definitely need to plan an overnight a trip to a wintery place in the next couple of months so we can do this in short spurts all day, warming warm up in the hotel between outdoor playtimes.

My Mom Tip for this week is to take time to be a kid with your kids, whether you decide to go tobogganing, bike riding, playing at a playground, or just playing an imaginary game of their choice in the backyard. You’ll have a great time and you’ll make a wonderful connection.

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10 Tips to Help Picky Eaters Eat Well

Heligirl — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 09:23:07 +0000

At some point in their development, virtually every child becomes a picky eater, whether it’s refusing to eat anything new, refusing certain items, or demanding only the same menu every day. The good news is like most stages of child development, this too shall pass.

The biggest concern of parents, especially newer ones experiencing this for the first time, is whether their child is getting proper nutrition when this stage hits.

Most often, the answer is yes, as long as there is some variety throughout the week. As adults, especially adults trying to eat healthy for weight loss, increased energy, disease prevention and the like, we think about balanced meals every time we sit down to eat.

Try to take a little different approach with your picky eater. Consider the balance on a daily or even weekly basis instead of per meal.

My kids’ pediatrician reminded me of this method when my son hit a picky stage (something my daughter had never really experienced). As long as a balance of fruits, vegetables, protein and grains were being consumed every day or even a weekly basis for the most picky eaters, kids are receiving the nutrition they need grow and be healthy.

Here are some more tips to help you get through that picky stage:

When serving a meal, include two items you know your child loves and introduce a new item with no pressure to eat it. When asked about it, explain what it is and invite your child to give it a taste.
Limit foods with low nutritional value.
If your child is on a limited repertoire, try to increase the nutritional value. For instance, a mac and cheese kick can be bumped up with whole grain pasta and mixing in a vegetable such as peas.
Get creative with presentation. Try serving a variety of items in a six-hole muffin tin. This way you can limit the portion of the overly demanded item, introduce some new stuff, and make it fun.
Never force your child to eat everything on their plate. This develops issues with food. Instead, introduce the polite concept of taking a taste. The rule is we always take a taste. We can’t say we don’t like it until we taste it. Stand by this rule and don’t force more bites when they say they don’t like it.
Limit sugary drinks that can fill them up but not provide much nutrition, not to mention hurt their teeth.
Avoid milk an hour before a meal because they can tank up on this and not be hungry for food. We serve milk with every meal and make water available between meals.
If at first you fail, try and try again. At least 10 times. Child development specialists regularly agree it can take 10 or more attempts at introducing a food before a child actually starts to eat it.
Keep in mind young children’s sense of taste is much keener than ours. Strong tasting items may be a turn off. When considering new meals, aim for milder tastes and work your way up.
Remember too, we set examples for our children in our own eating habits. If they watch you eat it, in time they’ll be interested in trying it too. And if they see you eating your vegetables you have a better argument about the importance of eating your vegetables.

Do you have any additional tips you’ve found useful in getting picky eaters to dive in (or at least eat a little better)?

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Teaching Charity

Heligirl — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 09:51:24 +0000

Is it just me, making every penny count and trying to instill a sense of meaning for the holidays into my kids, or is holiday shopping getting more stressful than just fighting crowds? What about charity?

Everywhere I turn there are products, sales, campaigns (Cyber Monday, Small Business Saturday, etc.) urging me to support another sector of the retail industry, e-mails from brands wanting me to write about their products for holiday shopping, and yet more ads than I can dodge.

What about the meaning of the season? Does giving really have to be all about buying stuff and giving it to someone else who probably doesn’t really need anything? With so many people out of work, charities scraping the bottoms of their coffers and folks going hungry, how about we give away meals to those who need them instead? Or at least in addition?

Now, don’t get me wrong. I have gotten a few gifts for the kids, but most of it are things they’ll need or I’d have provided anyway (next size of shoes with their favorite character they pointed out a few months back, paints for their art projects, ice skating lessons for my little girl who asks to learn to skate every day since seeing Toy Story 3 on ice, etc.) Basically stuff that is really wanted or needed and won’t end up collecting dust in two months’ time.

But once that was done, I really wanted to find something I could do with the kids that shared the giving spirit that we could afford and would make an impression on the kids.

At 4 and 2, what could they do?

Then my little girl saw a line of people outside the food bank and asked what they were doing, waiting for the bus?

Bingo, my opening.

I sat down with the kids and talked about how some people are hungry and need food.

“Those people were standing in line waiting for food. We’re very lucky that we can buy food. Some people aren’t so lucky. Let’s do something for them. Let’s buy them some food to help. Do you want to go to the grocery store and all we’ll buy today is food we will donate to the food bank?”

My little dude didn’t get it, but my little girl was into it.

I set a budget of a typical weekly grocery bill and off we went.

They kids picked out good shelf life items like cereals, canned goods, rice, pasta, and even cookies (“because they get one too if they eat all their supper, right?”)

Once we finished and paid (it was a little embarrassing they were telling the checker the food was for the hungry because I really don’t like to draw attention), we headed down to the food bank a few blocks away. The checker offered to deliver the food as they did have a bin right there, but it was more important to me to have the kids deliver it.

Once there, they helped me carry in the bags and give them to the volunteers. Though my daughter thought the person taking our bags was the person we were feeding. We had to explain she was a helper and would make sure the food got to people who needed it.

It felt so great that we later did the same for Toys for Tots, going to the toy store to choose one present for each of them to give to the sexy Marine collecting toys that day (OK, mommy really liked that too).

Now, while the kids felt the kids they were shopping for would absolutely love the new Star Wars Lego set (as I’m sure they would at $67 each), we were able to find some toys that would be fun and not over the top extravagant.

This was the first year I included the kids in our charitable giving and what a great experience. While I still feel overwhelmed with the pressure to buy things, setting a limit of what we’d buy for family as well as goals for our charitable giving has helped me feel less overwhelmed and more in the holiday spirit.

Today’s Tip: Include the kids in charitable giving activities.

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Teaching The Art of Conversation

Heligirl — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 09:47:09 +0000

Last week I talked about the PNC Grow Up Great program and how it offers some great tips and tools to help our kids from birth to 5 prepare for a lifetime of learning. Today I’d like to talk about teaching conversation skills as recommended by PNC. But before I do, if you didn’t check out their site, please don’t hesitate.

Go now.

I’ll wait….

Did you go? Good.

If not, here’s a taste.

It is really so very easy to introduce learning concepts in everyday life, and their program gives great examples that are mighty helpful for busy parents, like me.

For instance, by simply asking kids how their day was or even “what was your favorite part of today?” as you’re all sitting down to dinner helps kids learn to share their experiences while also learning the valuable skill of listening and talking.

When in school, kids need to be able to articulate thoughts, opinions and details. Encouraging them to start sharing early on, in a comfortable environment like the dinner table, gives them the valuable experience needed to develop these skills.

What’s more, they’ll learn about conversations, taking turns, sharing and listening, additional important skills for school. They’ll learn to listen quietly when others speak, and they’ll learn what it’s like to be listened to when they speak.

As a positive discipline advocate, I love this tip as well for its important positive discipline benefits.

Taking time to ask questions of and listen to your children builds a sense of belonging and importance in the family within them. They feel included, special and important when the adults give them their full attention.

And, of course, I feel strongly every family should share one meal a day together if at all possible, no TV, no cell phones, no missing family members, etc. Family time is extremely important, and even more so when schedules get crazy. Kids need that sense of togetherness and sitting down to dinner to share about the day is a wonderful way to bring even the busiest families together.

My tip for today: Ask kids about their days when you sit down to dinner. This develops conversation skills and increases their sense of belonging and importance.

Do you have time to get the family together every evening and, if so, have you ever asked your kids about their days or other questions to get them talking? What kind of responses do you get in respect to how they react (not so much what they say)?

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School Readiness Resource

Heligirl — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 16:38:04 +0000

If you have young kids, or were a kid yourself at one time, you know about Sesame Street. And if you’ve been watching in the last several years, you’ve seen the current sponsor announcements before the show.

For about three years now I’ve been watching with my kids and every morning I hear the announcement from PNC Grow Up Great who sponsor the show. Finally last night I went to their website to learn more.

I feel like a total idiot for not having done this sooner. What an incredible resource of valuable information.

Basically, PNC (a financial institution) started Grow Up Great in recognition of the value of developing a love of learning in children from birth to 5. In their own words, it’s “a comprehensive, bilingual program designed to help prepare children – particularly underserved children – from birth to age 5 for success in school and life. Through Grow Up Great, PNC supports families, educators and community partners to provide innovative opportunities that enhance learning and development in a child’s early years. To this end, we offer leadership, advocacy, funding, volunteers and educational resources because we believe an investment in our children, the workforce of tomorrow, makes economic sense today.”

For folks like you and me, the resources they offer on their website to help turn everyday things into learning opportunities is priceless.

They say research shows children are more successful in school when their natural love of learning is encouraged long before they set foot in a classroom. To help us encourage this love of learning, they’ve developed several curriculums, some in partnership with the Sesame Workshop (the folks who bring us Sesame Street), designed for parents and educators to foster curiosity and learning through everyday things like going to the grocery store, cleaning the house, washing the dog, etc.

You can log on and sign up for daily tips, or download the whole list. They offer podcasts, learning activities, and learning kits you can download. I’m really excited to use their “For Me, For You, For Later” savings kit. This curriculum includes messages from Elmo, printable labels for jars you’ll set aside and use to teach young ones to put money aside for themselves (spending money), for others (like charity) and for later (savings), and helpful information on teaching kids about savings and money. Now that she’s 4, Sweetness is noticing money and that it has some value. It’s a perfect time to start this lesson with my simple pocket change.

So the next time you’re feeling low on learning ideas or are needing a little encouragement to stay focused on learning opportunities as you suffer through power struggles (I speak from experience here), take a moment to visit this website.

My tip for today: Check out www.pncgrowupgreat.com and dive into the amazing tips, tools and insghts on encouraging learning in kids from birth to 5 to prepare them for success in school.

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Positive Discipline When/Then Technique

Heligirl — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 08:45:16 +0000

My daughter has been very capable of understanding the positive discipline concept of when she does ABC, then she can XYZ since she turned 3. This concept is known in the positive discipline community as the when/then technique or principle. It teaches kids responsibility, accountability and gives them some control over the outcome.

The concept is very simple. You lay down the rules straight away: “When you pick up all your toys, then we’ll start the movie,” “When you’ve eaten all your supper, then you can have dessert,” “When your homework is finished, then you can play video games,” etc.

The next step is to stick to your guns. Don’t give a when/then if you don’t intend to stick to it.

If your other children or you and your spouse were really set on seeing that movie and your youngest isn’t going to pick up the blocks, you’re not teaching a good lesson if you make this statement, then end up letting him watch anyway even though he didn’t clean up.

In that instance, a consequence might be better. (“If you don’t pick up your blocks, then I’ll take them away for a week.”)

See the difference?

When/Then in Action

We’ve put when/then to work here at the Heligirl household time and again and it really does work. For instance, we have a little habit in the mornings of watching Sesame Street. The kids know they can’t watch until they’re dressed. This is a great motivator to get them dressed. They hear me tell them, “When your dressed, then we’ll watch Sesame Street.”

Then I wait. When they ask again to see the show, I remind them again. I have to bite my tongue not to tell them over and over, or even say “I told you…”. On days we have to get out of the door by a certain time, I remind them that if they’re not dressed soon they’ll not be able to see any of the show.

The trick is to stick to your guns. You’re giving them the choice and the power. If you nag or guilt trip, you’re undermining yourself. That said, I know there will be times they won’t do the one thing to get the other. They may pitch a fit about it. In those cases, I simply state, “Honey, I know you understood the rule. I have faith the next time, if you really want ZYX, you’ll do ABC.” Smile. Repeat if necessary in response to screaming, crying and flailing. Keep your voice calm and loving.

This technique really does work. It’s not the right one for every situation, but when you do use it with consistency kids learn quickly and really do pick up on it. Just keep in mind if you’re introducing it to very young kids, or you’ve just started using it, it will take some time. But once the kids get the hang of it, you’ll find this technique to be very valuable.

Today’s Tip: Use when/then phrases to clearly communicate what you need the kids to do before they get to do or have something else in order to foster responsibility, accountability and compliance.

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