When we empower our children, they develop the skills they need to have power over their own lives.

In the short term empowerment plants the seeds for developing an “I can do it” attitude. In the long term, empowerment helps children become capable and develop high self esteem in their teen and adult lives.

Teaching life skills empowers your kids and helps them develop that priceless internal dialogue “Yes, I can!”

Taking the opportunity to model and teach valuable skills that will help your child learn to deal with disappointment, share, empathize, collaborate, problem solve and the like will give children the valuable tools they’ll need to be successful in daily life. Even very little ones who witness you modeling these behaviors have the ability to begin developing the foundation for these skills. Here are some ways you can do this:

• Increase self awareness by verbalizing and helping your child understand feelings. Ask questions such as “how did that make you feel?”, “what do you think you should try to do?”, “what do you want to be able to do?” For little ones, you can help give names to feelings by giving a running commentary, “it hurt your feelings when he took the toy,” “that made you feel so proud when you put on your shirt all by yourself,” “it’s so frustrating trying to learn how to put on shoes.”
• Focus on solutions together. For older kids with good verbal skills, ask questions to encourage them to explore their own solutions to problems. Then encourage them to choose a solution and follow through. Offer support along the way. For little ones, gently coaching with suggestions sets the groundwork, “perhaps he’ll give you the toy if you offer him another one?”
• Have faith in your children. Simply telling them you have faith they’ll resolve the problem, learn the new skill, reach their goal, etc. goes a very, very long way. Just having parents’ faith in them empowers kids to keep trying.
• Let go. It’s so much easier to jump in and do things for kids. Avoid the temptation to do this. It’s not worth the time savings when a parent jumps in and solves the problem for the child. In these instances, kids are learning they can’t do it, or can’t do it well enough to please parents, and therefore aren’t good enough. The bed they made might look bad, the clothes may not match, you might be 10 minutes late waiting for those shoes to go on, but the end result is your child did it himself, and that’s priceless.

For more information on using Positive Discipline empowering kids, I highly recommend Jane Nelsen’s Positive Discipline books. I’ve listed those I use here in my resources section. I also highly recommend Nelsen’s iPhone app Positive Discipline Cards, which I used to inspire this post.

Thank you for subscribing to my RSS feed at Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy! I would love to hear your comments and feedback on How to Empower Your Kids with Life Skills. If you have a blog yourself, I'd love to check it out and possibly even link to it here!
Thanks for reading! Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy

Related posts:

1. Validating Feelings
2. Intro to Positive Discipline – Parenting Styles
3. Respecting Yourself – A Big Part of Positive Discipline

When I was growing up, the rules in our house were pretty similar to those in most households of the 70s and 80s: do something the parents don’t approve of, get punished.

My brother and I were spanked with hands and wooden spoons. (In fact, I remember they even had a paddle in grade school they didn’t hesitate to use on kids.) We’ve been grounded (my mother called it “on restriction”) and we’ve been put to hard labor. All in the name of punishing us for something we did.

I grew up living in fear of my mother (I still have issues with females in authority), unsure of myself and if my actions would result in negative effects, living in constant fear of letting people down, and basically not feeling the least bit confident in my actions or ability to make the right decision. I also lied a lot and was sneaky to avoid punishment.

I knew I didn’t want to punish my own children, giving them a similar future, but had no idea what alternatives were available. After studying Dr. Adler’s research as well as positive discipline/positive parenting, I’ve become adamantly against corporal punishment in the home.

The truth is punishment is a very lazy way to discipline children. I say lazy, because so many of us were raised with punishment that it’s just easier to do it than learn a new way that will definitely take more work. Punishment is attractive to a lot of parents. It gives the parent release of anger and frustration, makes them feel they’re doing something in response to the bad behavior (sense of control) that they falsely believe works.

Sadly, punishment doesn’t work. Any parent that has punished the same child repeatedly for the same misbehavior should have an inkling of this. Punishment hurts, makes the children feel bad and uses fear as a motivator. In the end, children are not learning to behave better. It ultimately engenders disrespect, anger, lower self esteem, fear and rebellion. Punishment teaches children how to lie and not get caught, as well as erodes their sense of self worth.

Think about it. To paraphrase the Positive Discipline expert Jane Nelsen, who thought that the way to get a child to behave well is to make them feel worse?

The alternative to punishment is taking the time, patience and energy to treat every misbehavior as a learning opportunity. It also requires parents to understand why children misbehave. The root answer to why children misbehave is children need to feel significance and power. If you provide these things throughout the day, you can help reduce the amount of misbehavior.

When a child does misbehave, the pressure is on you as the parent to calm yourself and deal with the situation positively. This takes practice and work on your part, but consider the result of the alternative – a sneaky rebellious child or a child with very low self esteem.

Positive discipline does not mean children get away with misbehavior. It means the parent takes the time to teach and involve the child in taking control of his or her behavior. It involves being kind but firm. It requires you to discipline with respect and love (as opposed to fear and anger used with punishment). You involve the child. You choose logical consequences to implement when rules are broken.

I firmly believe when you eliminate corporal punishment from your home, choose to show respect for your children, take the time to understand and address the reasons behind misbehavior, and dedicate yourself to learning and implementing positive parenting techniques designed to empower and encourage your child, you’ll find yourself wondering why you ever thought corporal punishment was a good idea.

Thank you for subscribing to my RSS feed at Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy! I would love to hear your comments and feedback on Punishment is Not the Answer. If you have a blog yourself, I'd love to check it out and possibly even link to it here!
Thanks for reading! Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy

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It might happen the moment you bring baby number two home. It may not rear its ugly head until that younger child starts moving under her own power. If you’re really lucky, it may even start a little later. But make no mistake, siblings will fight and it will test you, possibly to the point where you want to beat your head against the wall.

It really started in my home when my son began reaching and grabbing for things. Before then, he was “baby brother,” worthy of smooches and snuggles from his older sister by 20 months. She’d get worried we’d forget to bring him when we went places and insist on being the first one into his room to wish him a good morning.

She loved playing with his baby toys, and taking things from his hands with nary a complaint (though we stepped in and reminded her that when someone has something, it is theirs until they put it down).

That all changed when he decided he wanted things. She’d be playing along side him and he’d reach out and take something from her. She’d take it back and push him away, setting off a crying jag. It only got worse when he started crawling and his grip got stronger. Now he’d crawl up to her, take it and hold on tight. He’s also learned to look over at mommy and daddy then let out a cry as if to say, “big sister’s being mean to me!”

In an effort to both develop capable kids that can work out their own problems and reduce the rivalry as much as possible (read here: reduce avoidable rivalry), I started studying my little heart out. One book I’ve found considerably helpful is Siblings Without Rivalry, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

The thing that this book really brought home to me was the role parents play in sibling rivalry. We can actually make it worse by how we intervene.

To give you a taste, here are three pitfalls parents or caregivers make and how to avoid them in order to limit rivalry, both in the short and long term.

1. Making comparisons. Comparing kids, even when intended to help a child feel good, is detrimental. For the one being compared to the “better” one, it is demoralizing, disrespectful and can develop the seeds of contempt toward the other sibling. For the one being held up as the gold standard, it produces a sense of isolation, pressure to perform and insecurity in the ability to live up to the expectation. Examples include, “see how your brother eats his vegetables”, “why can’t you keep your room clean like your sister”, “if you got good grades like you brother…”, “you’re the best helper in the whole family.”

Faber and Malish recommend in situations where you’d feel the urge to compare favorably to instead describe what you see or feel. For instance, instead of “I wish your sister could dress herself as well as you,” try “you do so well at picking out nice clothes that match.” To avoid unfavorable comparisons, describe the problem: instead of “your sister manages to be home by dinner, why can’t you?” try “Dinner is at 5:30 so we had to start without you. Yours is a little cold now.”

2.  Assigning Roles. Much like comparing siblings, assigning rolls can be detrimental. Our kids are all blessedly different. However, we must be careful of how we recognize these differences. “She’s the organized one,” “he was the difficult baby,” “she’s my easy going girl, nothing gets to her,” “he’s my little athlete,” “she’s the musician of the family,” etc. Think of these as if you were simply comparing because in essence, you’re saying the other sibling(s) is the opposite. Many a person, perhaps even you, didn’t reach for or achieve a dream because you were told someone else in the family was best at it. And be aware of kids putting themselves in rolls. If they perceive a sibling as “this,” then they’ll be “that.”

Our role as parents is to support our children’s growth and development. Treat them as you want them to become, not how they seem today. First is not to put them in roles, verbally or otherwise. The other is to recognize when they’re putting themselves in roles and encourage them to see the other side, “but he’s the athlete.” “Yes, he is an athlete, and so are you. We all are in our own ways. Here, kick the ball toward me…” or “I’m the meany, remember?”, “I know you also know how to be nice and I expect to see you show that side.”

3. Assuring equality. Siblings need not be treated equally. They need to be treated uniquely. Faber and Maslish argue that as much as children demand to be treated equally (“he has more!”, “you love him better”), they really want to be treated uniquely to their own needs.

For instance, in response to the “he has more pancakes” complaint, the authors suggest looking into the child’s unique needs. Rather than respond, “no, I gave you both three,” they suggest, “oh, are you still hungry? Do you want half of mine?” For “you love her more,” focus on what the child is really saying – “do you love me?” A response in that situation focused on the uniqueness of the child rather than being equal is far more effective: “I love you so much in so many ways. You’re my only Max. No one could every take your place in my heart, my wonderful little guy.”

I hope these three tips get you thinking about how you relate to your children when it comes to rivalry and start a conversation.

For me, I’m guilty of putting the kids in roles – Sweetness is the tentative one while Mr. Man is laid back. I’m working to never say that in their presence again, as well as change my own view. Sweetness has gotten a lot more brave. Children can change, and do with our guidance and support.

While these tricks typically are for older kids than mine, my view is it is never too soon for parents to learn these things and start getting into the habit of using them.

I would love to hear what tricks you’ve learned to help stem sibling rivalry, as well as a confession of what might not be helping. Please leave a comment offering any advice, or even links to other resources on this topic you’ve found most useful. I know I’d love all the help I can get.

Thank you for subscribing to my RSS feed at Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy! I would love to hear your comments and feedback on 3 Sibling Rivalry Pitfalls to Avoid. If you have a blog yourself, I'd love to check it out and possibly even link to it here!
Thanks for reading! Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy

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Another installment in my Positive Discipline Articles.

By popular demand, the following is reprinted from a guest post I did for Molly and Mommy on May 24, 2010.

I have to admit, when Alissa asked me to write a guest post on sleep I cringed. It’s hard to find a hotter issue for moms of young ones. But ever the researcher, I set out to share not only what I used to get my two to sleep through the night, but some of the advice from experts I hope will be of some use.

First off, I’ll share my experience. I’ve been very fortunate that my daughter has slept through the night (10-12 hours) since she was three months old (which makes up for the fact that she’s really difficult the other 12-14 hours during the day). My son took a little longer and started around 11 months, but for only an average of about three nights a week. Sometimes people ask what I did to get them to do this and I firmly believe some of it was what I did, but some is also the child. I did the same stuff for both, but got different results. Here’s what I did.

When my daughter, we call her Sweetness, was still just a squirmy bump of heartburn and insomnia I started doing my homework. I knew there would be a certain amount of sleepless nights in the future and I was determined to limit those as much as possible. I found two books that were infinitely helpful – Dr. Harvey Karp’s Happiest Baby on the Block and Tracy Hogg’s the Baby Whisperer. Both of these books were extremely helpful in getting me started in my parenting journey and the big thing I got from both of them was the theme of providing safety, comfort and predictability. These things help significantly when it comes to sleep.

Following Dr. Karp’s advice, I swaddled my kids and found that was significantly helpful the first six months for my daughter and three months for my son. I provided the comfort of a binky (I’m of the camp that believes if they’ve got a sucking reflex they’ll find something and you can take away a binky, but you can’t take away a thumb.) I put a fan in their rooms the first year to provide comforting white noise, and in the case of my daughter, used the swing all night every night for three months as that was the only place she would sleep. (I transitioned her out of the swing when she started waking in the night again by having her nap in her crib and once she got comfortable with that made the switch. We only had a week of rough nights then it was back to super sleeper.)

What I found most valuable in Hogg’s book was her emphasis on predictability. Kids need to know what to expect next and they find comfort and safety in that. So I developed a schedule. Not a time-dictated schedule, but an activity schedule. I began having certain activities always follow each other – sleep, eat, play, repeat. The babies always knew that when they woke, they’d eat, then play, then sleep. I watched for their cues (rubbing eyes when tired, smacking lips when hungry, etc.) and followed them. When kids feel comfortable and safe, they’ll be more likely to sleep better.

This extended to routines and one big routine in our house was always our bedtime routine. I personally believe this has been the single biggest contributor to our children sleeping. At the same time every night we begin and we’ve done this since the kids came home from the hospital. When they were infants, we just dove in. Now that Sweetness is 2 ½ we provide a five and two minute warning, followed by clean up then hit the routine. It simply consists of bath, dim lights in the bedroom for getting into jammies (hubby put dimmers in before they were born), a story, tucked into bed, and their music boxes turned on (which switch off in 15 minutes). Kids are usually tucked in between 7 and 7:30 depending on whether it was bath night or “tips and tails,” which is basically a sponge bath of face, hands, feet and diaper area. We rotate since soaking in a bath every night isn’t always best for their skin.

Another big thing is putting your baby down awake. Yes, awake. What really sent this home for me was when I read about how when you rock or nurse a baby to sleep, she’s all comfy and secure then you put her down all alone in the bed. When she wakes (which every human does several times during the night naturally), she’ll wake herself all the way up because she’s suddenly not sure where she is, “Wait a minute. This isn’t where I went to sleep. Where is that bottle/boob/rocking sensation?” Except for those first three months, when those newborns will fall asleep at the drop of a hat, I’ve not rocked/nursed either of the kids to sleep. Hubby tries that from time to time with Mr. Man and he pays for it the minute he lays the boy down.

I am personally not a co-sleeper so I never brought the kids to bed. For the first three months, Sweetness had her swing and Mr. Man had the cradle (for him it was in our room because it was summer and we had the air conditioner). Dr. Karp emphasizes you can’t spoil a child under three months. They’re all about needs at that age. After those three months when they started being more alert and awake during the day, they started doing all of their sleeping in their rooms and it has been that way every since. It’s a routine they never question. The keyword is routine. If your routine is to co-sleep, keep to the routine. It’s when you try to change it that you get resistance.

There is some experimenting we tried with our son, Mr. Man, to get him to drop one of his middle of the night crib parties. We added another step to his routine, which I call “topping off the tank.” I give him a meal before starting his bedtime routine. This could be some Cheerios or a yogurt or milk, depending on how hungry he is. It seems to have worked. He was hungry.

As some of you might know, I’m a very passionate advocate of Positive Discipline. I’ve written several articles on it on Heligirl and try to follow this parenting philosophy as closely as possible. When I read through Jane Nelson’s Positive Discipline books in reference to sleep, she advocates helping your children learn to sleep through the night rather than constantly running to their rescue, reminding her readers that the mother bird pushes the baby bird out of the nest despite its reluctance to fly. That said, while she does say that the cry it out method works the fastest, finding other ways are just as acceptable as long as we understand that some level of crying is going to take place. Some kids may be crying because they don’t like the change even though it is for the best. While positive discipline preaches allowing your children to have their feelings without rescuing them, it also teaches it is important to let them experience situations even if they don’t like it – such as falling asleep themselves. If we’re always rescuing them and helping, how will they learn to deal with life’s disappointments and find ways to pass through them on their own? Children have wants and needs. It’s important to meet the needs, but not all the wants. They need to sleep. They want you to rock them to sleep. Nelson encourages us to do what is best for both of us in the long term.

With that in mind, sometimes we get a little fuss after putting Mr. Man down. I started giving it a little time before going in after he was about five months old. I began to learn sometimes he cries to let off steam and as long as he isn’t screaming out, we give him five to ten minutes before going to check on him. If he seems to be pretty upset, one of us will go in and rub his tummy, which usually works. It lets him know we’re there. He’ll cry out when I leave, but not for very long most times.

When it comes to Mr. Man waking in the night, we have now learned through trial and error that if we wait for a few minutes, he usually puts himself back to sleep. By connecting his binkie to his sleep sack (far enough down so he can’t wrap it around his neck), we’ve learned he can now just find it and put it back in, which has been a big step in him putting himself back to sleep.

Which brings me to the point of self soothing. Many experts contend, and I tend to agree, that you have to help you baby learn to sooth himself. If you’re always going in to rock, walk with, carry, nurse, etc., he’s not going to learn to sooth himself. I’m certainly not saying you need to let your baby scream. I couldn’t stand that. Hell, one scream and I’ve got tazer mom syndrome (that sensation you’ve been tazed as adrenaline races through your veins when your baby cries out in the night and now you’re wide awake with your heart racing). But there comes a time when you just have to suck it up and give it a few minutes. The longer you wait to put your foot down, the longer it will take to change the behavior. It’s important to remember that crying, for some babies, is self soothing.

Finally, here is a little trick my Hubby and I did to help each other. We had a deal once I went back to work after maternity leave that he’d take all wake ups before 1 a.m. and I took them after. I hit the sack by 9:30 p.m. (I was so dang tired by then this was easy) and he’d come to bed around 11 p.m., often after the late night wake up or even offering a “dream feed,” which is a bottle while the baby is still sleeping). Typically, I’d only be up once again before my alarm went off at 5 (and sometimes couldn’t fall asleep between those times). Hubby’s went off at 6:30 a.m., so we were getting about the same amount of sleep. It’s good birth control too, FYI!

Clearly, there are books and books out there on sleep. One last one I’d highly recommend for those still having difficulty is the Sleepeasy Solution by Jennifer Waldburger and Jill Spivack. One of my buddies lent this to me when Mr. Man was still waking several times a night and it helped me better understand why he was crying and gave me the courage to wait a bit to see if he’d use his crying to put himself to sleep. Guess what? He did, most nights.

Thank you for subscribing to my RSS feed at Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy! I would love to hear your comments and feedback on Getting Baby to Sleep. If you have a blog yourself, I'd love to check it out and possibly even link to it here!
Thanks for reading! Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy

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Another installment in my Positive Discipline Articles.

Recently I had the great fortune of crossing paths with Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions, Inc. She runs a very comprehensive educational website chocked full of parenting advice focused solely toward helping parents raise capable, well behaved children with high self esteem.

Amy offers a free webinar that introduces you to her program so I decided to check it out. The webinar I took was titled “Getting Kids to Listen without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling.” This hour-long webinar gave a great peak at some of the foundation child psychology facts that positive discipline follows and some very valuable tools to start making a change at home right now when it comes to getting kids to listen.

If you’ve been following my positive discipline articles or have read my background section on this parenting philosophy, you know that at the root of all misbehaviors is a reason. In positive discipline, we first discover the true reason behind a misbehavior and focus on solving that, rather than punishing a child for the resulting misbehavior (which itself is only a symptom). While punishing will most likely get the symptom to stop, it won’t solve the underlying problem and more often than not will cause a decrease in self esteem while fostering fear and rebellion.

Amy’s webinar starts right out of the gate with a little Adlerian Psychology background, reminding us that a child’s primary goal is to achieve belonging and significance. Here’s how it breaks down:

To have a sense of significance, children need to feel emotionally connected, secure about their place in the family, and have sufficient positive attention. That last one is a key. Kids are hard wired with a need for positive attention. They’ll do anything to get attention, even negative behaviors. Giving the kids lots of positive attention can nip a lot of bad behaviors in the bud.

To gain a sense of significance, children need to feel they’re capable, can make a difference, can contribute in meaningful ways and have personal power. Did that “personal power” phrase get your attention? Did it bring up vivid, chilling memories of power struggles? Here’s how to keep those to a minimum. Give your child choices. For a toddler, do you want the blue or red shirt? Do you want Rice Crispies or Cheerios for breakfast? Do you want to ride your bike or your scooter? The older the child, the more choices they can handle, even up to and including being involved in discussing and agreeing upon what the consequences are for rules broken. Choices are power.

When it comes to power, if a child has not received the opportunity to have enough of it during the day, he or she will fight for control later.

So, when a child is misbehaving, taking a quick look back at these basics might give you a clue as to what the root cause of the misbehavior really is. However, keep in mind this really does apply to children over 2 ½ on a whole. Babies and young toddlers are still all impulse and simple redirection is most likely all you need to do when it comes to curbing misbehavior. However, once that “NO!” stage hits, I’ve personally found using positive discipline very effective.

So what about getting kids to listen without nagging, reminding or yelling (or beating your head against a wall – I added that part)? Amy introduces consequences as a tool. Consequences are effective results or outcomes of an earlier event. And by choosing, discussing and implementing them fairly and without blame, criticism or insult, you can quickly reduce your nagging, reminding and yelling. And kids will listen.

Want to know some effective examples and how to choose the appropriate consequence? Go check out the webinar. Seriously, I’m not kidding. You’ll get so much more out of it than I can write here. In the upper left corner of my blog is a link to the free webinar. It will take you to Amy’s site. Once there, click on the Free Webinar button. On the webinar page you’ll see a handful of webinar’s she’s offering that you can choose from and the times they’re taking place. They’re all live and you’ll see her talking to you live in the upper left corner as she goes through the slides. You’ll also see the names of who else is on, the questions everyone is asking, and can write in your own questions. It is 100% interactive and there are always a couple of webinar topics scheduled.

One thing I really loved when I took the webinar (other than the ton of information she offers in such a short time) is the polls she offered throughout to help tailor the webinar to the audience. For instance, she asked the ages of our kids. Based off the response of the majority, she focused her responses. There were a lot of us with toddlers on my webinar, so she focused examples toward the toddlers, but did give information on the other age groups as well.

I was so impressed that after taking the course I contacted Amy about working with me through Heligirl since she offers so much valuable information that is right along the lines of what I share here. Amy liked Heligirl and the comments and questions you’d been leaving about positive discipline so much she made us a special offer:

She offered to do a special free webinar just for Heligirl readers!!

If this is of interest to you, have a look around her site then leave a comment here about a topic you’d really like for a webinar and a day of the week and time (remember to tell me what time zone) that works best for you. If we have enough folks interested, Amy will hold our own private webinar one evening soon. I’ll e-mail everyone who leaves a comment here with the details.

Thanks everyone. I hope you enjoy looking around Positive Parenting Solutions and getting to know yet another valuable resource in positive discipline. Don’t forget to leave your comment!

Thank you for subscribing to my RSS feed at Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy! I would love to hear your comments and feedback on Free Positive Discipline Webinar for Heligirl Readers. If you have a blog yourself, I'd love to check it out and possibly even link to it here!
Thanks for reading! Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy

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Another installment in my Positive Discipline articles.

I’m inspired by the iPhone app I recently got called Positive Discipline Cards, which helps me resolve problems by providing quick, simple positive discipline techniques at the push of a button. I’ve been playing with it a lot, and in many cases, putting it to work. In fact, I’ve found them so great I just have to share another one with you.

Card: Validate Feelings

1. Allow children to have their feelings so they can learn they are capable of dealing with them
2. Don’t fix, rescue, or tray to talk children out of their feelings.
3. Validate their feelings: “I can see you are really (angry, upset, sad).”
4. Then keep your mouth shut and have faith in your children to work it through.

I hesitate to call Sweetness a sensitive child. Sometimes she is as solid as a rock then other times she falls apart at the smallest thing. I think she’s just an emotional child. And I’m still no where near figuring out when she might fall apart and when she won’t.

For instance, her brother always wants to come into her room when she goes in there. He just worships the ground she walks on and wants to be with her. I can’t possibly expect her to understand that. Sometimes she’s happy to have him there. Other times she can’t slam the door in his face fast enough.

This morning, as she was having her diaper changed, he crawled in to see what was up. He lit up with smiles and started jabbering as he crawled up to the changing table (dresser) to see us. Sweetness just fell apart, screaming “no baby brother, no. Go out!” I’d just read this card so I decided to put it to work.

Me: “Wow, you really are upset that your brother came in to see you. You don’t want him to be in your room right now.”

Her: “No baby brother.”

Me: “Let’s finish your diaper change so you can talk to him.”

She calmed down a bit as I hurried but started crying again as he started playing with her piano.

Her: “No. That’s my piano!!”

Me: “You don’t want him to play your piano. You’re mad at him for touching it.”

When I put her down she went to him right away, took his hands off the piano and told him “no” then left the room calling for him to follow. Of course, he did and as soon as he was out, she shut the door.

Other than supervise that she was not going to haul off and slap him, I didn’t intervene. However, afterward I expressed my observations as a way of encouraging her behavior.

Me: “You were upset that (Mr. Man) was in your room when you didn’t want him in there. You were very kind to only remove his hands from the piano without hurting him. It was very clever inviting him to follow you out and then to shut the door. You resolved that all by yourself.”

She beamed and seemed to feel just a little better about her ability to resolve her own problems.

Thank you for subscribing to my RSS feed at Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy! I would love to hear your comments and feedback on Validating Feelings. If you have a blog yourself, I'd love to check it out and possibly even link to it here!
Thanks for reading! Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy

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In the heat of the moment, when your child is acting out and you’re at the end of your rope, how do you keep to your positive discipline parenting? Just as I’m starting to truly put these methods to work with my 2 1/2-year old, I was really excited to learn Jane Nelsen recently released her Positive Discipline Tool Cards as an iPhone/iTouch/iPad app. Talk about having answers at your fingertips. My phone is never very far, which makes this an ideal tool for dealing with issues in the heat of the moment.

The app, designed after the deck of cards you can buy on the Positive Discipline website, gives you 52 parenting tools to help you develop your positive discipline parenting skills. You can use them three different ways: work on one skill a week, choose one at random when an issue arises and use it to help come to a resolution, and, for older kids, invite your child to choose a card as you work together to solve problems.

I downloaded the app almost as soon as I heard about it (it’s only $2.99) and got to work playing with it. I really like that you can choose to sort the cards alphabetically so you can find one by name, but if you want something random, just shake the iPhone/iTouch/iPad and one is revealed. That one not work? Fear not as the next one is a shake away.

These cards, as the actual cards or the app, have been really valuable in both refreshing my memory about positive discipline techniques and keeping them in front of me so I don’t stray. It really is a lot of work to stay on the positive discipline path and I can use every bit of help I can find, especially in the heat of the moment. Who has time to say, “hold on there Thor, allow me to consult the great book of positive discipline for an ideal response to that outburst. Keep an eye on dinner for me, will you?” Additionally, if reading books isn’t something you have the time or patience to do, these cards might be the answer.

Here’s an example of how they’ve worked here at our humble house of insanity recently.

Card: One Word

Avoid lecturing and nagging. Use one word as a kind reminder.

1)    “Towel” – for the towel left on the floor
2)    “Dog” – when the dog has not been fed
3)    “Dishes”
4)    “Bedtime”
5)    When agreements are made together in advance, one word is often all that needs to be said.

When I started using this technique I was pleasantly surprised that it worked really well, even for a 2 ½-year old. Sweetness is full on into her independence and “no” phase. I can tell her to do something until I’m blue in the face and it only serves to get me all worked up and eventually cause me to lose my patience. Getting her to do the things I know she can do herself when I need her to do them can be a real struggle.

One such issue we always have is her reluctance to follow the rock solid rule that we wash hands before every meal. Just suggesting it’s time to wash hands can bring on a grand maul tantrum. In addition to giving warnings, after reading this card, I’ll now only ask once, “Ok, Sweetie, time to wash your hands for lunch.” After that, it’s simply “hands.” If she still carries on and demands lunch, I’ll sometimes add, in a calm but firm tone, “hands or no lunch, those are your choices, Honey.” She eventually goes in, the hands do get washed and sometimes Mommy even gets to eat the meal while it’s hot.

What do you think? Is this a useful parenting skill? Have you tried it? I’d really like to hear your experiences in using one or two words to avoid lecturing or nagging.

As a side note, I recently found a great blog that is following these cards. Interested? Hop on over to Single Dad Brad to see how this dad of two is using positive discipline to keep his household running smooth.

Thank you for subscribing to my RSS feed at Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy! I would love to hear your comments and feedback on Positive Discipline in the Palm of Your Hand. If you have a blog yourself, I'd love to check it out and possibly even link to it here!
Thanks for reading! Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy

Related posts:

1. Validating Feelings
2. 17 Positive Discipline Guidelines
3. Free Positive Discipline Webinar for Heligirl Readers

Another installment in my Positive Discipline Articles.

Today revealed a whole new side to my little girl I’m far from prepared to handle, despite all my Positive Discipline study. Mr. Man turned one this past week and it was all Sweetness could do to deal with it. First, she was forced to look at all these great toys and pick one out for him. Then he was getting all these cool toys and people were taking photos of him, giving him attention. When everyone left, she wanted desperately to play with the toys and was completely bombarded with words like “your brother’s toys stay on the floor where he can reach them,” “your brother is playing with that,” “that’s your brother’s,” etc. Then a few days later, it happened all over again with kids coming over giving him more toys, taking more pictures, eating more chocolate cake. What was a girl to do?

Answer: Haul off and slap that annoying baby brother. I knew it was coming. It was only a matter of time. He’d recently started crawling and that was driving her over the edge. She couldn’t get away from him and he was always going after her toys. When she yelled at him to get out of her room, it was all I could do to not say what I was feeling (“Might as well get used to it, it never ends.”). Instead I focused on the golden rule of giving words to her feelings, “It’s so frustrating that your brother comes into your room and plays with your things.”

Nevertheless, it was disheartening to see my sweet little girl who usually kisses her baby brother to haul off and slap him so hard he cried. I’d already started the Positive Time Out routine so I immediately took her away from her brother and told her it looked like she needed to cool off. She screamed bloody murder, begging for a hug and snuggle. My action clearly made her feel like I was withdrawing love and that broke my heart. A minute later I went in and sat with her to talk things out while we snuggled. Once she seemed ready to play with one of his new toys he wasn’t playing with, I hit the books.

In Jane Nelson’s Positive Discipline books, Nelson suggests in these situations to try one or more of the following things:

1. Take the child by the hand and say, “It’s not okay to hit people. I know you’re feeling hurt and upset. You can talk about it or you can hit a pillow, but people are not for hitting.”
2. Help the child deal with anger (validate the feelings, defuse anger by identifying the source of it, don’t take sides, avoid reacting with aggression)
3. For children under four, give a hug first before removing them from the situation to model a loving method. Hugging does not reinforce the misbehavior.
4. Regardless of the child’s age, you never know when they’ll begin to understand so always use words like “Hitting hurts people. Let’s find something else you can do.”
5. Show the child what he can do rather than telling him what not to do, “touch nicely” or “when you need to let the anger out, stomp your feet like this.”
6. If the hitting is directed at you, let her know what you will do instead of trying to control the child. For instance, that you will leave the room until she is ready to treat you respectfully. Then do it. Later you can explain that it really hurt or it hurt your feelings.

Nelson also explains that half the battle is planning ahead to prevent future problems. I knew this would be hard on her, a newly mobile and now celebrated sibling. He’s gone from being cute to being a threat. I tried to explain his birthday was coming up. I let her participate in choosing a gift. Her friends came to the party too and one even brought her a sibling gift.
I think where I could have done better is to have been on the floor with the kids all the time, offering suggestions on how to coexist. The problem was she wanted desperately to play with these new toys, but the two little impulsive creatures were dealing with their “I want what you have” impulse. He’d play with something. She’d come take it. Then he’d go to what she had and try to take it and so on. But I was both very busy getting things done for the party and feeling miserably under the weather. I should have been coaching with “what do you want to play with? Ok, the helicopter is yours to play with. How about we give brother the dump truck.” Then offer commentary for her benefit if he’d try to take the helicopter, “your sister is playing with the helicopter right now and it doesn’t look like she’s finished. She’s shared a lot of her toys with you so how about we play with this car until she’s done.”

After a few cool offs today, I left Mr. Man with Hubby and took Sweetness to the library, just the two of us. She played happily there, helping pick out books and playing with the puzzles they have on the tables for the little ones.

While there we ran into the teacher facilitator from my preschool, the one who works with us parents to teach us all about Positive Discipline. I asked her if she had a moment. We talked for a bit and she said something very important we all can do with hearing, “You can do everything right, directly out of the book, and they’re still going to act out. It’s not a reflection of you. They are, after all, kids. You can just be there to help them through it. That’s what matters. You bringing her here today speaks volumes to her. You’re on the right track.” That was just what I needed to hear.

When we got back from that hour together, she passed out for one of her rare afternoon naps. It’s so hard being 2 ½ and having a mobile baby brother. I guess the best I can do is make sure she knows she’s loved no matter what.

Thank you for subscribing to my RSS feed at Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy! I would love to hear your comments and feedback on When Hitting Enters the Home. If you have a blog yourself, I'd love to check it out and possibly even link to it here!
Thanks for reading! Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy

Related posts:

1. Validating Feelings
2. Positive Time Outs
3. Punishment is Not the Answer

Another installment in my Positive Discipline Articles.

One valuable lesson I’ve learned in Positive Discipline is to take time and prepare my kids for transitions. I follow this religiously and have since Sweetness was about one year old. It really truly works and has helped steer us clear of so many tantrums.

When I talk about transitions here, I’m talking about changing from one activity to another. Any mom who has a child old enough to start exerting independence knows the tied up stress ball stomach feeling of an approaching end to a fun activity or an approaching bedtime. There is at least a 50 percent chance the battle of Gettysburg is about to be reenacted.

Transitions are hard for kids. They don’t have a concept of time and are living every second in the moment. In the beginning, they can’t conceive of a time line of events and know what is coming next. And depending on temperament, they may really need to know what is going to happen next in order to function. For instance, a child who has difficulty with change (needs predictability and will regularly explode into tantrum when there is a blip in the daily schedule) will need far more assistance with transitions than the child that travels well, goes with the flow and is happy doing whatever.

So to help you, here are some basic tips for helping make transitions easier for all kids. Some may only need a couple of them. Some kids may need them all. Give them a try and see for yourself how much easier it is to leave the playground, start a bedtime routine, end a playdate, or just get on with the next activity.

1.   Give warnings. By giving a warning that the activity is going to change, you help your child prepare herself for the shift. We do two warnings at home: “Five more minutes to play before you wash your hands for lunch.” Then, “two more minutes with the trains.” I get down on their level and hold up a full hand for the five and two fingers for the two. What’s more, Positive Discipline proponents suggest keeping it positive. Rather than emphasize what is coming up, emphasize what they are doing: “five minutes to play before…” as opposed to “five minutes until we…” If you do nothing else, do this. It is hands down the most valuable skill I’ve employed in getting the kids to transition. I messed up once. I was tired, busy and at the end of my rope. I just came out with “time for your bath” and had the worst rest of the evening as she fought me every step of the way. The next night I went back to the five- and two-minute warnings and when I announced, “time to clean up” she just sang the clean up song, cleaned up and headed off to her room announcing she wanted to take her clothes off by herself (which itself is a humorous freak show if there ever was one since she can’t quite figure out how to get her shirts off yet.) Made me a believer.

2.    Talk about what is going to happen next. On the way to the grocery store you can talk about what you’re going to do when you get there. “You get to ride in the cart and hold the shopping list while we pick out groceries.” I’ve been doing this so long that Sweetness tells me on the way to places we go to regularly what we’re going to do. Just today we had a playdate after preschool. Usually after preschool we have lunch with Daddy. So to prepare Sweetness I told her as we were getting into the car, “We have a special treat today. We get to go to the coffee shop with the toy trains and play with our friends!” We’ve been there before and she knew exactly what I was talking about. She talked about it the whole way there and there was no mention of lunch with Daddy. Poor Daddy.

3.    Before making a transition you know will be difficult, set up for your child something to look forward to (an expectation) for once you transition. “When we get home from the playground we can read a book. Which book do you want to read?” This one is particularly helpful and I’ll even start setting it up before we leave as I know how hard it is to get Sweetness out of the playground: “Here, let’s pick out some of your favorite books and set them right here so we can read them when we get back from the playground.” Then I can talk about the books waiting for her at home.

4.    Offer your child a roll in making the transition. “Before we can go, we have to unlock the car. Do you want to push the button and unlock the car?” Sweetness also likes to help so I’ll make a big show of needing her help in pushing her brother’s stroller or carrying things back to the car. That usually gets her attention and helps her feel engaged in the decision to transition.

5.    Use transitional objects to help a child bridge from one activity to the next. “Let’s take this pinecone home to add to your collection.” I use this to get her headed out too as she loves to collect pinecones. Then the walk home becomes the transitional activity. “Let’s go find pinecones now.”

6.    Use goodbye rituals. What child doesn’t want to say goodbye to everything under the sun. (You’re going to love that part of potty training!) “Goodbye swing, goodbye slide, goodbye friends.” Sweetness does this now to comfort and prepare herself for transitions without my prompting.

A good resource for more information is Laura Davis and Janis Keyser’s Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. The above list was something I learned in my first year of co-op preschool and came directly from this book.

Thank you for subscribing to my RSS feed at Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy! I would love to hear your comments and feedback on 6 Tips for Making Successful Transitions. If you have a blog yourself, I'd love to check it out and possibly even link to it here!
Thanks for reading! Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy

Related posts:

1. When Hitting Enters the Home
2. When Discipline Goes Bad
3. Validating Feelings

Another installment in my Positive Discipline Articles

My buddy Kris brought up a great point in the comments to my last article, When Discipline Goes Bad. Setting your little one up for success is a big part of positive discipline. In fact, that is one of the 12 strategies in this article.

In Laura David and Janis Keyser’s book Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, they detail strategies to help you deal with a whole range of difficult behaviors. I’ve used all of these in some capacity or another, and while they won’t eliminate bad behavior (that’s just par for the course and a part of a child’s exploration), they’ll sure help keep it more manageable, and predictable.

It goes without saying that setting limits is an absolute must. Children need limits. They provide safety and security, not to mention a level of predictability. That’s not to suggest they won’t test them, but when you set clear and reasonable limits and stand by them, you help your child in more ways than you can imagine.

David and Keyser emphasize that these strategies are presented in no particular order and not every situation will call for all of these steps. In fact, there are times you’ll have to repeat them several times to help curb the behavior. (I attest to that one!) I agree with them wholeheartedly. From my own experience I’ve seen that consistency and sticking with them does work.

1.    Honoring the Impulse
Children are 100% impulse. Imagine being able to just tell your boss what you think, or whack that idiot driver in front of you on top of the head. Oh the days of acting on impulse. Sometimes I envy Sweetness. I want to have a tantrum when it’s time for me to go to work the same way she does when it’s time to leave the playground.

The strategy here is to ask yourself what is the impulse behind this particular behavior. Knowing where it is coming from is half the battle. The rest is understanding and showing respect for it. For instance, your child is spilling her juice. Depending on her age, she may be exploring the experience of it dumping, the power of being able to spill it, the experiment of watching someone clean it up, or studying your reaction. Could be any of the above.

They suggest you honor the impulse by expressing your observation, “Looks like you like to watch the juice pour out.” They suggest saying “looks like” because you’re really guessing unless she tells you. Use this for every situation, “looks like you want to stay at the playground,” “looks like you want Tommy to move,” “looks like you want to take a turn with the fire truck,” etc.

Then you set or reiterate the limits. The additional strategies offer suggestions on that piece.

2.    Active Listening
This allows us to mirror back what the child is thinking, which helps them feel connected – we understand them. This is little more than repeating back to the child what he is saying or feeling.

“It looks like you’re really frustrated.” “You really don’t want me to change your diaper right now.” “You’re saying ‘No” really loud. You really don’t want to go to leave Katie’s house.” With preverbal children, you just express what they’re feeling to the best of your knowledge, “You’re having fun playing with the blocks and don’t want to clean up.”

Just communicating you understand what your little one is thinking or feeling goes a long way. I’ve seen Sweetness completely settle down and go along with something she really doesn’t want to do but knows has to be done (clean up, diaper change, get ready for bed, etc.) just because she felt understood. Granted, it’s not all the time. But this has helped a lot if I do it before full tantrum mode.

3.    Sportscasting
This is kind of an extension of active listening, but focuses more on the events rather than the feelings of people involved. You just talk about what you see. “I see you are holding on to that toy so Mike can’t take it.” “I see you got pushed off the slide.”

This is particularly useful when children are having a conflict. By sportscasting, also called factual commenting, you’re very simply helping the children see what each is doing. It also gives them a basis for working out a solution of their own. I’ve noticed Sweetness sportscast Mr. Man lately. It’s hilarious, but does prove she’s paying attention.

4.    Facilitation
This can be added to sportscasting when children get older and gain more verbal skills. You use facilitation by asking questions and giving kids information that helps them find their own resolutions in conflicts:

“Kim, I see you’re grabbing John’s toy. Is there another way you can ask for it?”

Describe the problem and invite the children to problem solve. “Looks like you both want to ride the bike, but there is only one. Can you think of a way you can solve this problem?”

This one is time consuming and takes patience and compassion. It’s sure easier to step in and umpire, but that robs the kids of valuable lessons in conflict resolution and problem solving, not to mention reduced esteem because they don’t think they can solve these things themselves.

5.    Using “I” Messages
By saying “I”, you can share your response to your child’s behavior without negatively labeling or judging. You describe the behavior or situation, then share your feelings about it. “When I ask you to come in several times and you don’t do it, I feel frustrated.”

David and Keyser emphasize that using “I” messages help model identifying feelings and show we’re responsible for our own feelings. It also places less blame on the child, thus leaving them in a more open frame of mind to learn.

6.    Positive Limit Setting
Always set clear limits. Children need them to thrive as they provide a sense of safety and security. When setting them, be ready to set both verbal and physical limits. When we just rely on verbal, and they’re ignored, we get louder and even mad, which gets negative very quick.

For instance, Tyler hits Mia: “We are gentle with our friends.” (said positively, rather than the negative “don’t hit”). Then take his hand, “I’m not going to let you hit Mia.”

Remember to use positive language.

7.    Giving a Choice
Giving choices whenever possible is imperative to supporting a child’s autonomy, and also gives the child the sense that she is in control after all. Be aware of giving too many, though. They’re not capable early on of knowing exactly what they want, but they want to be the ones to make the choice. I’ve ended many a power struggle over getting dressed by offering her a choice between two different shirts, pants, jammies, etc.

You can also use choices when a clear limit is set: “You can hold my hand as we cross the street or I can carry you.”

8.    Giving Information
One of the things we can do when dealing with difficult behavior is give the child information about the impact of what they’re doing. “When you spill your juice, it makes a big mess and we have to clean it up.” “When you hit your sister, it hurts her and makes her cry.” “When you leave the water on while you brush your teeth, it wastes water.”

Giving information teaches kids they’re worthy of an explanation and they’ll  start to think about the impact of their actions themselves as they mature. The opposite is just telling kids “because I said so,” “because I’m the boss,” etc., which tells them the person of authority always needs to be around to direct behavior. The latter also plants the seeds of future rebellion.

9.    Natural Consequences
There is some controversy over natural consequences. These are easily abused and used as punishment. Used correctly, these are simply the action of allowing children to learn from experience. For instance, if Jamie pours out her juice, it’s now all gone. The danger is when you really rub it in with, “see I told you if you poured it out it would be all gone. Now you don’t get any more. Maybe you’ll think twice about it next time,” etc. Avoid the guilt trip (even though it would feel REALLY good, oh how I know). Just be matter of fact and then done, “You poured it out and now it’s all gone. I see you’re upset about it being gone. That’s what happens when you pour it out.”

10.    Redirection
A kind of extension of honoring impulses, redirection is a logical next step. Once you identify the impulse and honor it, you can redirect the child toward appropriate behavior for that impulse. “If you want to touch your brother, you have to do it gently. Like this.” “It looks like you want to kick. Let’s find your ball and kick that.”

This isn’t to be confused with distraction, where you direct the child’s attention to something else. Redirection is helping the child identify an appropriate way to express the impulse she’s having right now.

11.    Inviting Children’s Initiative
Between 3 to 5 years of age, kids are really testing their own ideas. These ideas are not real unless they can act on them, so they exhibit a great deal of initiative as they try to actualize these ideas. Using things such as offering choices, facilitation, and simply paying close attention to their actions and providing ample opportunities to be creative can be very supportive of their initiative. Additionally, by helping your child channel this initiative, you can work together to find ways to channel it so it works for the whole family.

For instance, Kenny has just learned to hold a crayon and he’s excited about his ability to color. Providing an easel with paper always available, or chalk outside for sidewalk art might be better outlets than a Kenny on the loose in the house with crayons (can you say, “Hello Mr. Eraser mega pack?”).

12.    Setting the Stage for Future Success
One of the best ways to deal with difficult behavior is to take steps to prevent it. While that can’t always happen, you can sure help in many instances by setting up circumstances that minimizes the stresses that cause bad behavior.

For instance, David might hit his baby sister every time she tries to take his beloved fire engine away. Working out a system with David where he keeps his fire engine in his room and the door closed, or moves it before his sister crawls over where he’s playing is an example of how you can help defuse the situation before it gets bad.

I hope these are some help. This is just my very brief summary of a small piece of the book Becoming the Parent you Want to Be, which I highly recommend. It’s only $14.28 on Amazon. This link will take you there. Obviously there are tons of examples of how these strategies can work in a million different scenarios. This is just to get you started.

Thank you for subscribing to my RSS feed at Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy! I would love to hear your comments and feedback on 12 Strategies for Curbing Difficult Behavior. If you have a blog yourself, I'd love to check it out and possibly even link to it here!
Thanks for reading! Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy

Related posts:

1. Intro to Positive Discipline – Parenting Styles
2. Beware of Praise
3. Keeping it Positive