Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy » Parenting Tidbits

Getting Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling – Free Webinar Rescheduled

Heligirl — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 16:54:37 +0000

If you missed our free webinar by Positive Parenting Solutions last week titled Getting Kids to Listen without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling, you’re in luck. We had technical difficulties and rescheduled the webinar for not one, but two different times to meet everyone’s needs.

Here is the latest information:

Tuesday, Aug. 24 from 1-2 p.m. Pacific (4-5 p.m. Eastern)
Wednesday, Aug. 25 from 6-7 p.m. Pacific (9-10 p.m. Eastern).

You can register directly right here and get the printable note taking sheet to prepare.

So I’m not repeating myself here, you can learn about all the great tools you’ll be able to put to work right away after just 60 minutes of an incredible, free, interactive webinar by visiting my last post about this webinar. It really is valuable. I myself worked with my daughter to determine a reasonable logical consequence and put it to work that next day with delightful results.

You can take the seminar on one of the days, or even both if you like as it’s a little different each time given Amy McCready (our speaker) tailors the webinar for the folks who are online. You can type in your questions to her directly and she’ll respond right there for you as she’s presenting.

Please consider joining us Tuesday, Aug. 24 from 1-2 p.m. Pacific (4-5 p.m. Eastern) or Wednesday, Aug. 25 from 6-7 p.m. Pacific (9-10 p.m. Eastern).

Thank you for subscribing to my RSS feed at Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy! I would love to hear your comments and feedback on Getting Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling – Free Webinar Rescheduled. If you have a blog yourself, I'd love to check it out and possibly even link to it here!
Thanks for reading! Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy

Friday Funny

Heligirl — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 15:24:04 +0000

If it wasn’t for the random silliness around here, I just might be committing myself some days. Here are a couple of the things that I saw or heard this week to brighten your Friday the 13th. Enjoy!

His or Hers?
Scene: Mr. Man is sitting on the potty, doing his thing. He’s looking down watching himself pee when he decides to reach down and try to grab the stream. Sweetness is standing by and after I grabbed his hand and distracted him, she piped up with a little commentary of her own:

“No, no, no, Baby Brother. Leave your girly bits alone.”

Are you Kidding?
We went to the pet store to pick up various items for the cats and dogs. I came across this and almost fell over. I think I’ve now seen it all. Sweetness’s hand is over the tagline. It reads, “Keeps you warm and your paws free.”

Do you believe it?

Too Much Deadliest Catch?
Then, yesterday, Mr. Man was fussing as I was preparing his dinner. Fed up with listening to his whining, Sweetness walks up to him and says in an exhasperated tone:

“Oh man Baby Brother, what’s the deal?”

Hubby started laughing and told me she sounded just like Sig Hansen on Deadliest Catch. That can’t be good, can it?

And finally I wanted to give a big thanks to my bloggy buddies LeeAnn from Life with Rylie … and Bryce Too!, Alana from Domestically Challenged, Melissa from Adventuroo, Katie from Articles from Addington, and Melissa from Confessions of a Dr. Mom for all your support, retweets and advice this past couple of weeks as we hit the home stretch of the 31 Days to Build Better Blog challenge. I’ll be unveiling my new blog look very soon. Stay tuned everyone.

Thank you for subscribing to my RSS feed at Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy! I would love to hear your comments and feedback on Friday Funny. If you have a blog yourself, I'd love to check it out and possibly even link to it here!
Thanks for reading! Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy

Guest Post: Logical Consequences with Tweens

Heligirl — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 18:03:06 +0000

I typically have some pretty quick advice when it comes to toddlers and preschoolers, but when it comes to tweens and teens, my advice has to come from my studying and the advice of experts. I’m all about sharing personal experience here on Heligirl, so when Heather from Making it Work Mom commented on my recent post on avoiding punishment in favor of positive discipline, I just had to ask her to share her wisdom.

I hope to make this a common practice here, inviting you, my wonderful readers, to join the conversation and share your experiences with positive discipline. Together we can help increase awareness of this great alternative to the many negative parenting styles we experienced as children. If you have a story you want to tell, please drop me an email.

In Heather’s case, she found logical consequences to be a refreshing and effective discipline technique with her tween. Here is her story in her own words:

____________________________

Discipline is hard. Disciplining your children is really hard. Disciplining your tween or teen is the hardest.

I should know. My tween is a lovely child – when she is at someone else’s house, when she is at school, or when she is getting one on one time. Unfortunately when she spends extended time with her brother or sister, when she gets tired or bored, when she gets asked to do something that maybe she doesn’t want to do it usually means trouble. She was toddler who bit, scratched and hit. And even at 10 she can still be physical when she is upset. I think she had her first big melt down at about 18 months and they have continued on a regular basis.

Obviously there is a pattern to her behavior. And it is obvious that the strategies that I have been using are not working.

She is the queen of Time Out. She has spent a lot of time in her bedroom. She used to beg not to go. She would apologize and beg forgiveness with the hope that I would relent and not send her to her room. Now I tell her to go and she shrugs her shoulders and trudges up the stairs. I used to go up to her room after a few minutes and lecture her, willing her to change her behavior based on the logic of my argument. I am pretty sure she tuned me out after 30 seconds. Eventually she would agree that her behavior had been out of line and apologize, but there was a definite lack of sincerity. And her behaviors remained the same.

We have also experimented with taking things away. She doesn’t play video games. She is not much of a TV watcher. It was hard to find something to take away that would “mean” something. It was also hard to determine the value for her behavior challenges. If she was fresh to me did that mean one day of no TV? If she hit her brother did that mean she went to bed early? There was really no rhyme or reason. It was mostly just based on how aggravated I was that day. And yet, even with this “no fail” discipline method her behaviors remained the same.

It was obvious that I needed to reconsider my perceptions and methods of discipline.

Misconception #1

Discipline should hurt. It should be painful. If the child doesn’t cry it isn’t effective.

Misconception #2:

The goal of discipline is to make the child feel ashamed/bad about their behavior.

Misconception #3:

Discipline can only be effective if the child has a healthy dose of fear of his/her parent. Remember the saying “Wait till your father gets home.”

I realized I really needed to do some reflection. What was the point of my discipline with tween? What was I trying to accomplish?

My short term goal: To be able to live in our house where I didn’t feel like the next bomb was going to explode at any moment. To not worry about Tween’s brother and sister getting hurt.

My long term goal: I want her to learn. I want her to be a productive and successful member of society.

Then I thought about the punishments I’d been using. How was time out and arbitrarily taking away privileges helping her become a more productive and successful member of society? It wasn’t. It was just creating an environment where she felt angry, resentful, and discouraged and I pretty much felt the same way.

There had to be another way. And I had to find it quick. My tween is 10, time is of the essence. I consider this age to be one of the most critical for me as a parent. I had to step up and figure out what would work. If I didn’t, all I saw was heartache, anger, and frustration in our future. The future wasn’t looking bright.

So I started experimenting with logical consequences. Logical consequences are based on the idea that children shouldn’t be made to feel worse if we want them to do better. Logical consequences require that a child reflects on his/her behavior and consider the results of his/her choices.

Logical consequences is a process. It usually involves discussion with the end result being that the parent and child choosing a logical consequence for a misbehavior; what can the child do to “fix” what happened because of their behavior. Sometimes it is a little bit of an effort. Actually it is always an effort, an effort on the parent’s part. Logical consequences do not let you get away with screaming at your child to her room.

For example, the other night I am making dinner and my tween decides that she is bored and starts bugging her younger sister. Aggravating her and instigating her. The end result is that somehow my little one ends up with a hurt hand and is accusing Tween of causing the pain.

I am tired, I have worked all day and dinner needs to get on the table. Now my little one is crying and needs attention. She has a hurt hand and feelings. She wants to be cuddled and she needs some down time. Usually at that point I would send my tween to her room and then deal with my little one. This time we used some logical consequences. The tween and I quickly discussed the issue and what she had done to contribute to it. We then reached an agreement on how she could rectify the situation.

She agreed to get the ice and band-aid for her hurt sister, completely unnecessary physically, but for some reason crucial to the healing process of a 4 year old.

She then asked her little sister to pick out two books and she would read them to her to help her feel better. I got to continue to make dinner. When the books were done my two little girls continued to play together. It was bliss. Tween had to deal with the aftermath of what she had done and I think she felt better about it. In fact I think they both felt better after.

I have had the chance to utilize logical consequences several other times. My tween seems to like the process. She doesn’t mind the discussion. She likes it more than the lectures of past. And she seems to be making some connections; connections about her behaviors and the results of her behavior, connections that she couldn’t make upstairs in her bedroom.

Logical consequences are definitely more work. There is never an easy answer or a quick fix. It is always a process. But the beauty is that instead of correcting the same behavior all day long, maybe I am only doing it once or twice.

My tween seems to be self-correcting a little, and that is a breakthrough. We are enjoying our time together more. There doesn’t seem to be as much attention seeking competition among the three children. My tween seems a little more relaxed and more open with me.

I wasn’t looking for a quick fix or a magic formula. I was simply looking to help my tween progress in her development toward adulthood. I was looking for something to help our family become healthier and happier and I think that maybe I have found it.

____________________________

Kudos to Heather for her amazing and honest story of how she researched and found a great way to not only get her tween to starting thinking about her actions and the consequences of those actions, but also helped reduce stress, sibling rivalry and the strain between her daughter and herself. Thanks so much Heather for the story.

Please visit Heather at Making it Work Mom to see how she juggles three kids, a full time job and a full social calendar for her brood. She has some creative ideas and skills when it comes to working with her kids to develop critical life skills, like using a football gear catalog to get her 8 year old to read more. Check her out!

Thank you for subscribing to my RSS feed at Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy! I would love to hear your comments and feedback on Guest Post: Logical Consequences with Tweens. If you have a blog yourself, I'd love to check it out and possibly even link to it here!
Thanks for reading! Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy

Getting Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling

Heligirl — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 16:40:00 +0000

If you’ve never had to nag, remind or yell in an attempt to get kids to listen, please raise your hand? (sound of crickets)

Ahh, I thought so. I know I’ve beat my head against the wall way too many times as my children suddenly become deaf or develop selective hearing the moment I need them to listen. My stress meter goes through the roof the more I try to be heard, and the more I’m ignored.

However, there is hope and you can change this frustrating and stressful cycle.

Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions, has agreed to provide a webinar for Heligirl readers, free to us all, on just this topic.

Save the date: Tuesday, Aug. 24, from 4-5 p.m. Pacific Time (1-2p.m. Eastern Time) AND Wednesday, Aug. 25, from 6-7 p.m. Pacific Time (9-10 p.m. Eastern) Click here for more details and to register. It’s free, remember.

I introduced Amy last month after I took one of her webinars. She runs a very comprehensive educational website chocked full of parenting advice focused solely toward helping parents raise capable, well behaved children with high self esteem.

I can’t begin to tell you how valuable the information was for me. I’ve been studying positive parenting for almost two years and I still got a ton of valuable information from her. There’s just something about having things presented to you and your questions answered in real time that can’t be beat by reading all the books on the topic.

The webinar gave me concrete skills that I could implement immediately to make my life less stressful.

Many people responded in comments and e-mails to my post on Punishment is Not the Answer this past weekend, some with questions on how to avoid punishment. In that post I mentioned logical consequences as an alternative.

Amy’s seminar breaks out how to choose, implement and stand by logical consequences in a way that both respects your child while also bringing about the corrective behavior you’re seeking. And that’s just one of the many things she discusses.

In the webinar you also learn about the root causes of children misbehaving – lack of significance and power – and how to supply both of those in loving and respectful ways, thus reducing misbehavior in your home.

The day after I took this seminar, I started putting the tools to work. I have to say, while I do slip up and raise my voice from time to time, I have had to do it a lot less. I feel more in control, but the really great thing is so does my daughter. It’s a win-win that is bringing about far more cooperation in our home. And the tools I’ve learned aren’t just for getting kids to listen. They’ve worked to increase their cooperation, participation, initiative and even helpfulness.

The webinar was like none other that I’ve taken. Amy is right there live, a video image of her is in the upper left corner the whole time. She sends you a note taking sheet ahead of time with lots of the valuable info and hints on the important aspects of the webinar to include in your notes so you don’t miss a thing. As she talks with you, you watch her PowerPoint presentation that is packed with valuable background, information and examples.

Another thing I absolutely loved about her presentation is she stops from time to time to ask us questions about our difficulties and needs when it comes to getting our kids to listen. We respond in a poll and she tailors the presentation based off our responses.

You also have the option to write in specific questions and she’ll address them, right there for you. I could take this webinar five times and get something new out of it each time.

And it’s free.

Sorry if I sound all sales pitchy. I’m not getting paid to write this post. I’m just really excited about her information and, as you know if you visit often, I’m passionate about positive discipline/positive parenting. Punishment is not the answer and valuable information like what Amy shares gives you the tools to develop capable, cooperative, happy children.

My former post about Amy’s seminar gives you a little more information about the tools the seminar covers if you want more background.

Please, consider clearing your calendar, getting someone to watch the kids for an hour (if they’re not already in bed), grab your notebook and plan to join Amy and me at your computer next Tuesday, Aug. 24 from 1-2 p.m. Pacific (4-5 p.m. Eastern) and Wednesday, Aug. 25 from 6-7 p.m. Pacific (9-10 p.m. Eastern).

Sign up by clicking here. Your confirmation, instructions on how to log in and note sheets will be sent via e-mail, as well as a welcome by Amy herself.

Please help me get the word out by retweeting this post and linking to it on Facebook. For a better Facebook friendly link, click here. I really do want to share this with as many parents as possible. If all they do is take the webinar, they’ll be steps ahead in working with their kids.

And please, don’t hesitate to leave a comment or drop me an e-mail (heligirljen (at) gmail (dot) com) if you have any questions. I hope to see you there!

Thank you for subscribing to my RSS feed at Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy! I would love to hear your comments and feedback on Getting Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling. If you have a blog yourself, I'd love to check it out and possibly even link to it here!
Thanks for reading! Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy

Punishment is Not the Answer

Heligirl — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 16:03:24 +0000

When I was growing up, the rules in our house were pretty similar to those in most households of the 70s and 80s: do something the parents don’t approve of, get punished.

My brother and I were spanked with hands and wooden spoons. (In fact, I remember they even had a paddle in grade school they didn’t hesitate to use on kids.) We’ve been grounded (my mother called it “on restriction”) and we’ve been put to hard labor. All in the name of punishing us for something we did.

I grew up living in fear of my mother (I still have issues with females in authority), unsure of myself and if my actions would result in negative effects, living in constant fear of letting people down, and basically not feeling the least bit confident in my actions or ability to make the right decision. I also lied a lot and was sneaky to avoid punishment.

I knew I didn’t want to punish my own children, giving them a similar future, but had no idea what alternatives were available. After studying Dr. Adler’s research as well as positive discipline/positive parenting, I’ve become adamantly against corporal punishment in the home.

The truth is punishment is a very lazy way to discipline children. I say lazy, because so many of us were raised with punishment that it’s just easier to do it than learn a new way that will definitely take more work. Punishment is attractive to a lot of parents. It gives the parent release of anger and frustration, makes them feel they’re doing something in response to the bad behavior (sense of control) that they falsely believe works.

Sadly, punishment doesn’t work. Any parent that has punished the same child repeatedly for the same misbehavior should have an inkling of this. Punishment hurts, makes the children feel bad and uses fear as a motivator. In the end, children are not learning to behave better. It ultimately engenders disrespect, anger, lower self esteem, fear and rebellion. Punishment teaches children how to lie and not get caught, as well as erodes their sense of self worth.

Think about it. To paraphrase the Positive Discipline expert Jane Nelsen, who thought that the way to get a child to behave well is to make them feel worse?

The alternative to punishment is taking the time, patience and energy to treat every misbehavior as a learning opportunity. It also requires parents to understand why children misbehave. The root answer to why children misbehave is children need to feel significance and power. If you provide these things throughout the day, you can help reduce the amount of misbehavior.

When a child does misbehave, the pressure is on you as the parent to calm yourself and deal with the situation positively. This takes practice and work on your part, but consider the result of the alternative – a sneaky rebellious child or a child with very low self esteem.

Positive discipline does not mean children get away with misbehavior. It means the parent takes the time to teach and involve the child in taking control of his or her behavior. It involves being kind but firm. It requires you to discipline with respect and love (as opposed to fear and anger used with punishment). You involve the child. You choose logical consequences to implement when rules are broken.

I firmly believe when you eliminate corporal punishment from your home, choose to show respect for your children, take the time to understand and address the reasons behind misbehavior, and dedicate yourself to learning and implementing positive parenting techniques designed to empower and encourage your child, you’ll find yourself wondering why you ever thought corporal punishment was a good idea.

Thank you for subscribing to my RSS feed at Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy! I would love to hear your comments and feedback on Punishment is Not the Answer. If you have a blog yourself, I'd love to check it out and possibly even link to it here!
Thanks for reading! Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy

Wednesday Outing: Farrel-McWhirter Farm Park

Heligirl — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 22:31:38 +0000

It’s been three weeks since my commitment to do something special with the kids once a week before Labor Day. On July, 20, I researched and wrote a list of the things I really wanted to do. Today we checked yet another one off the list.

This morning, as rush hour was coming to an end, we piled into the car with hats, suntan lotion, camera and snacks in preparation for Farrel-McWhirter Farm Park.

Looking up from the trail.

This park, located near the main campus of Microsoft in Redmond, Wash., has a unique history. The property was homesteaded in 1890 by the Charles W. Hutcheson family, who journeyed from Tennessee to Seattle, then to Redmond. At the turn of the century, the land was host to the Peterson Sawmill, one of the largest in the area. Millstones and notched stumps remain as evidence of the site’s logging history. During the 1930′s, the McWhirter family of Seattle purchased the property for use as a summer home. Mrs. McWhirter was an avid horsewoman who raised and trained her horses here.

In 1971, Elise Farrel-McWhirter gave the City of Redmond the 68-acre parcel of land for a park in her will.

Today the park includes a children’s animal farm, a horse arena with trailer parking, covered picnic shelters with electricity and running water, multi-use trails connecting to the Puget Power/City of Redmond Trail, orienteering course, and tire swings.

Sweetness tells Mr. Man about the goats.

We arrived around 9:30 a.m. The place was already bustling with young kids enjoying day camp. Sweetness immediately saw the barns across the field from the parking lot and lead me straight to the animals. We saw goats, chickens, rabbits, ponies, sheep, rosters, turkeys, a pig and a cow. We had to circle the main barn and outside enclosures twice as Sweetness chattered away to both me and her brother. Mr. Man was in the stroller so he could be down at her level. She took full advantage, holding onto the stroller and pointing everything out to him.

“Look Baby Brother look! That’s a sheep. Sheep say ‘baaaaa-aaaa.’”

It wasn’t long before Mr. Man was showing off his new skill, pointing. Sweetness didn’t waste a beat. She guessed what he was pointing at and went about telling him what it was. He could have been pointing to the trees for all I know, but he learned about the pig.

True to the history of the farm, it was surrounded by old forest, untouched since at least the late 60s.

Hiking along the trails.

There was a paved trail, a gravel trail and several trails with well worn soft bark. Mr. Man’s Jeep stroller did just fine on the latter so we went for a nature hike. The forest was old and healthy, with huge, thick trees. It was alive with life and muffled the sounds of the farm almost immediately.

We walked for quite a while. I felt so relaxed just listening to Sweetness chatter and ask “what’s that?” and “what’s that sound.” Mr. Man seemed to enjoy what he saw as he chattered back at her and pointed a lot.

It was in the low 70s, which made a forest walk very comfortable.

After taking a nice loop trail that went over several small wooden bridges (Sweetness’ favorite) and a creek, we ended up down the property a bit and back in the meadow.

Enjoying a forest picnic.

We pulled up to a picnic table shaded by the edge of the forest and had our snack. While we sat there and enjoyed the surroundings, five horses sporting little girls from the pony day camp went by. Sweetness asked the question for the first time in what I know will be millions, “can I ride the horse?”

I’m not sure if she understood the part of my answer that included making lots of money and daddy selling his car.

After we ate Sweetness decided the tire swing needed to be tested in the worst way.

Test driving the tire swing.

We played there for a bit before following the paved trail the horses took back to the barn.

Sweetness stands up to the turkey, so to speak.

There we proceeded to circle the barn again and see all the animals. The male turkey was actually free range, and he was in the barn this time around. He saw Sweetness coming and stood tall. The ugly thing was as tall as her! I had to laugh. She wasn’t threatened, but she was respectful. She didn’t back away. She looked it in the eye and said, “hi turkey. Gobble gobble.” He must have decided she was cool, because he just wondered on by her and she let him.

As lunch time, and Mr. Man’s nap time, approached we headed back to the car to head home.

I absolutely loved this park and will be back again and again. It’s completely free to visit. There is so much outdoor activity to do – take hikes, learn about the animals, play in the open fields, ride bikes on the paved trails, picnic, swing on the swings or just relax and enjoy the tall trees surrounding you, or closer to the farm area, the sounds and smells of the farm. An added stress relief was the fact that I had no cell coverage there. Total uninterrupted kid time.

This connection time and the memories we made are so very, very valuable. A very big piece of positive discipline, in fact I’d go as far as to call it a foundation, is building and maintaining connections with your kids by having this regular time together. Picking a place to go that you’ll all enjoy, taking your children’s leads on what to do when you get there, and just taking your time without interruption goes a long way in helping prevent misbehavior.

Thank you for subscribing to my RSS feed at Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy! I would love to hear your comments and feedback on Wednesday Outing: Farrel-McWhirter Farm Park. If you have a blog yourself, I'd love to check it out and possibly even link to it here!
Thanks for reading! Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy

3 Sibling Rivalry Pitfalls to Avoid

Heligirl — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 18:50:00 +0000

It might happen the moment you bring baby number two home. It may not rear its ugly head until that younger child starts moving under her own power. If you’re really lucky, it may even start a little later. But make no mistake, siblings will fight and it will test you, possibly to the point where you want to beat your head against the wall.

It really started in my home when my son began reaching and grabbing for things. Before then, he was “baby brother,” worthy of smooches and snuggles from his older sister by 20 months. She’d get worried we’d forget to bring him when we went places and insist on being the first one into his room to wish him a good morning.

She loved playing with his baby toys, and taking things from his hands with nary a complaint (though we stepped in and reminded her that when someone has something, it is theirs until they put it down).

That all changed when he decided he wanted things. She’d be playing along side him and he’d reach out and take something from her. She’d take it back and push him away, setting off a crying jag. It only got worse when he started crawling and his grip got stronger. Now he’d crawl up to her, take it and hold on tight. He’s also learned to look over at mommy and daddy then let out a cry as if to say, “big sister’s being mean to me!”

In an effort to both develop capable kids that can work out their own problems and reduce the rivalry as much as possible (read here: reduce avoidable rivalry), I started studying my little heart out. One book I’ve found considerably helpful is ">Siblings Without Rivalry, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

The thing that this book really brought home to me was the role parents play in sibling rivalry. We can actually make it worse by how we intervene.

To give you a taste, here are three pitfalls parents or caregivers make and how to avoid them in order to limit rivalry, both in the short and long term.

1. Making comparisons. Comparing kids, even when intended to help a child feel good, is detrimental. For the one being compared to the “better” one, it is demoralizing, disrespectful and can develop the seeds of contempt toward the other sibling. For the one being held up as the gold standard, it produces a sense of isolation, pressure to perform and insecurity in the ability to live up to the expectation. Examples include, “see how your brother eats his vegetables”, “why can’t you keep your room clean like your sister”, “if you got good grades like you brother…”, “you’re the best helper in the whole family.”

Faber and Malish recommend in situations where you’d feel the urge to compare favorably to instead describe what you see or feel. For instance, instead of “I wish your sister could dress herself as well as you,” try “you do so well at picking out nice clothes that match.” To avoid unfavorable comparisons, describe the problem: instead of “your sister manages to be home by dinner, why can’t you?” try “Dinner is at 5:30 so we had to start without you. Yours is a little cold now.”

2. Assigning Roles. Much like comparing siblings, assigning rolls can be detrimental. Our kids are all blessedly different. However, we must be careful of how we recognize these differences. “She’s the organized one,” “he was the difficult baby,” “she’s my easy going girl, nothing gets to her,” “he’s my little athlete,” “she’s the musician of the family,” etc. Think of these as if you were simply comparing because in essence, you’re saying the other sibling(s) is the opposite. Many a person, perhaps even you, didn’t reach for or achieve a dream because you were told someone else in the family was best at it. And be aware of kids putting themselves in rolls. If they perceive a sibling as “this,” then they’ll be “that.”

Our role as parents is to support our children’s growth and development. Treat them as you want them to become, not how they seem today. First is not to put them in roles, verbally or otherwise. The other is to recognize when they’re putting themselves in roles and encourage them to see the other side, “but he’s the athlete.” “Yes, he is an athlete, and so are you. We all are in our own ways. Here, kick the ball toward me…” or “I’m the meany, remember?”, “I know you also know how to be nice and I expect to see you show that side.”

3. Assuring equality. Siblings need not be treated equally. They need to be treated uniquely. Faber and Maslish argue that as much as children demand to be treated equally (“he has more!”, “you love him better”), they really want to be treated uniquely to their own needs.

For instance, in response to the “he has more pancakes” complaint, the authors suggest looking into the child’s unique needs. Rather than respond, “no, I gave you both three,” they suggest, “oh, are you still hungry? Do you want half of mine?” For “you love her more,” focus on what the child is really saying – “do you love me?” A response in that situation focused on the uniqueness of the child rather than being equal is far more effective: “I love you so much in so many ways. You’re my only Max. No one could every take your place in my heart, my wonderful little guy.”

I hope these three tips get you thinking about how you relate to your children when it comes to rivalry and start a conversation.

For me, I’m guilty of putting the kids in roles – Sweetness is the tentative one while Mr. Man is laid back. I’m working to never say that in their presence again, as well as change my own view. Sweetness has gotten a lot more brave. Children can change, and do with our guidance and support.

While these tricks typically are for older kids than mine, my view is it is never too soon for parents to learn these things and start getting into the habit of using them.

I would love to hear what tricks you’ve learned to help stem sibling rivalry, as well as a confession of what might not be helping. Please leave a comment offering any advice, or even links to other resources on this topic you’ve found most useful. I know I’d love all the help I can get.

Thank you for subscribing to my RSS feed at Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy! I would love to hear your comments and feedback on 3 Sibling Rivalry Pitfalls to Avoid. If you have a blog yourself, I'd love to check it out and possibly even link to it here!
Thanks for reading! Heligirl: Positive Discipline Mommy

Potty Training – Day 4 of 3

Heligirl — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 14:52:47 +0000

We continued on in our quest to potty train yesterday. For the full back story, be sure to check out Day 1, Day 2 and Day 3. And if you’re looking forward to returning to my regularly scheduled programming, this here report from the bloody war front of Butt Camp is the last of this crazy installment. This experiment is driving me insane. Send gin. And Hugh Jackman. I need to escape…

Day 4, Tuesday, July 27, 2010:

Sweetness was out cold when I left for work at 6:45 a.m. My regular calls to the nanny basically revealed that she either refused to go to the bathroom all morning, or was finding a way to be sneaky about where she was going. On Tuesdays a little boy her age who is completely potty trained comes over. She watched him do his magic, and she sat on the potty a lot, but there was no action.

When I got home, the nanny informed me that shortly after my last call Sweetness sat on the potty for 15 minutes outside, promptly got up, squatted in the grass to pee, then returned to the potty.

She was wondering around kind of funny and grabbing herself shortly after I got home, but despite several suggestion she have a seat on the potty, she sat for only a few seconds and then started in with lots of ‘no.’ I went into the bedroom to change and she followed. She was still dancing around holding herself a lot so I grabbed the potty and brought it into our master bath. She sat on it for a minute then stood up and picked it up. I was in the middle of tying my shoes when she started demanding I carry the potty. I told her I was busy and to please just put it down. In her typical manner of late, she threw it to the ground. And it hit her foot. Which made her scream. And then she let loose. She ran around the bathroom peeing all over the place. I finally caught her and went to put her on the potty and she fought me, peeing all the way, all over herself, the potty, the floor, the bathmats, everything.

That was it for me. I was so completely pissed off at this point I had to leave the room or I’d start shaming her. I left to get rags and a mop. When I returned she was on the potty where I’d put her and had peed a little more in there. No wonder she was dancing around.

I stripped her down, took her into the tub, sprayed her off from waist down, then slapped a diaper on her. I gave up. She just wasn’t really getting it. I’d wasted enough nice days following her around and encouraging her to sit on the potty only to have her avoid the damn thing today and pee all over the yard and bathroom. She asked me where her potty was and I told her I put it away because she didn’t want to use it. She was back in diapers now. Pee away.

After a little time to cool off, which I used to get Mr. Man up from his nap, changed and in his high chair with finger food, I went to check on her. She asked if she could go out and play in the pool. I put her swim shirt on and took off the diaper. She went outside and I ended up following with the potty. I left it there with her and went in to feed Mr. Man.

About 15 minutes later she came walking up the stairs to the deck carrying the basin of the potty. “Look Mommy, poop!”

Well I’ll be. We did the potty dance, she got hugs, we flushed, washed hands and had a candy.

When Sweetness’s buddy’s mom came by to pick him up she told me the 3-day program she followed required the child to wear underwear so they’d feel the wetness right away. That’s what worked for her son. At this point, and in my current state of mind, I’ll give anything a try.

So with Sweetness now out of pee and poo, I slapped the padded undies I had for her on her butt and we all went off to Target to pick out big girl panties and pull ups (the later for daycare). When we got to the toddler undies, she chose a cool set of froggy undies. She loves frogs, so she was pretty psyched. Then we grabbed some pull ups and were out of there. She did really well. Her first outing without diapers, and no incidents.

When we got home she started acting out. She’s been doing this a lot lately, and maybe it’s a side effect of all the focused potty training. She walked right up to her brother and slapped him in the face. We’ve been working on her hitting her brother and she knows the rules. If she hits, kicks, slaps or otherwise hurts him, she has to have a positive time out. We take her out of the situation and set her down in her room. Sometimes I’ll hand her a book and suggest she enjoy a little time away from baby brother. Lately she just starts screaming about this as she stands in her room, getting herself all upset rather than cooling off. I realize she’s probably acting this way about being separated from her brother because she views it as punishment, but I’ve yet to find a better way to deal with it when I’m in the middle of something and can’t give her all my attention.

After slapping her brother three different times I took her off to her room and sat her down with a book. She started crying. I explained we are nice to each other and there is no hitting. Perhaps she can read a book where baby brother isn’t so he can’t bother her. She screamed louder. I brought in the potty just in case. She slammed the door on me and not more than 30 seconds later the screaming changed. I went in to check and sure enough, she was standing there next to the potty in a huge puddle of pee. I don’t think I can count this accident as being a lack of grasping potty training because she was upset. Come to think of it, I probably can’t count the bathroom spraying either since she was evidently traumatized by throwing the potty onto her own foot.

However, the day ended without her using the potty again. She danced around a lot grabbing herself before bed, but did nothing about it. She wore her new big girl underwear, told us several times that she needed to use the potty (and went over, pulled down her undies and sat on it), but no dice.

I know I should see that the actual accidents I had to clean up were limited to two, and they were both when she was distressed. And the pooping thing is a big step. Also, she didn’t soil her new undies. I know this is all progress. It’s just that I’m impatient and really just want to see some serious progress, like her using the potty regularly, without me having to ask all the time. It will come in time. And as my nanny share buddy said as she was leaving, Sweetness will be out of diapers by the time she starts dating. Or better yet, maybe she’ll still be in them and then she’ll avoid dating. There’s a positive side to everything, see?

In the meantime, Mr. Man decided he needed to pull a new parlor trick so as not to be forgotten during this time of intense focus on big sister. Today he started walking with the walker for the first time:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_IEeb4Wvd0[/youtube]

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Potty Training in Three Days or Less – Day 3

Heligirl — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 15:16:44 +0000

Welcome to Day 3 of my little experiment to see if I can finally save $100 a month in diapers. After two years and 10 months of diapers I decided to try a little experiment to see if my little Sweetness, who was showing all the signs of readiness for potty training, would take the leap. If you’re just joining the fun, I recently heard of a program where you could potty train in three days or less. While I seriously doubted the validity of that, I figured three days would at least get us on the right track. If you’re just now joining us, you can catch up on the action at Day 1 and Day 2. And thanks to my buddy at My Momma Drama, I’m now referring to this as Butt Camp (my own take on Boot Camp).

Day 3, July 26, 2010:

Right around 2:15 a.m. Sweetness woke and started crying. I wrote about this in yesterday’s post. My only guess is her little brain was working overtime on the whole potty training issue and it woke her up. She was back asleep by 3 a.m. or so.

Despite her early morning wake up call, she was up at 6:40 a.m., so I got her up and dressed her in a sundress. As I was taking off her diaper, which was still dry as I’d changed it at 2:15 a.m., she told me, “no diapers.” Ahhh, progress. This was a step up from me having to explain why I wasn’t putting one on her yesterday morning. “That’s right, no diapers anymore during the day so as soon as we get up, we have to sit on the potty.” This time, she said “no,” but then went into the living room and sat on the potty. That’s where I left her, reading a book, when I went to work.

I left a long list of things to do and look out for with the nanny, and called her every hour or so to see how things were going. By my 10 a.m. call, the nanny hadn’t seen any sign of her going to the bathroom, even though she’d sat on the potty several times. However, they had gone outside, where it was already 70+ degrees, and she had spent some time in the kiddie pool.

We concluded she’d probably gone in there, so the nanny dumped the water and refilled it.

I got home just before 1 p.m. to the kids having lunch. The nanny informed me that Sweetness did pee on the hall floor (hitting the hardwood) not long after I called, but nothing since then, and nothing in the potty. My heart sank. Maybe she just wasn’t going to get this after all.

After they finished lunch I put Sweetness on the potty and we read a book. When she stood up, there was just a little bit in the potty. “Look, you started to go, honey. Go on and finish.” She had a pained look on her face and wanted to get up and leave. I’m beginning to recognize this behavior, start to pee on the potty, stop and try to go off and hold it as long as possible until it can’t be held any longer. I suggested we go out and play.

We went out together, with the potty. Not long after we got outside she pulled up her dress and sat down on the potty. That pained look was on her face again.

I sat down next to her, held her hand and told her, “that’s ok, honey. That’s what it feels like when you have to pee. Go ahead and relax. That’s the way. You can do it.”

She was looking at me with this total look of worry and as it started to go away I heard her pee with the force of a fire hose. She was pushing and holding back at the same time, trying to figure out which was right. As she went, I smiled and talked her through it, “that’s it honey! You’re peeing. That’s how you do it! You did it!”

She suddenly got a very proud look on her face and hugged me. Then she looked down, “that’s pee! I did it!”

I felt so excited that I could talk her through it, maybe help her make the connection lovingly. Then she floored me.

“Candy?”

“Oh hell,” I thought. I’d just decided I wasn’t going to do the reward thing. She wasn’t interested in it yesterday. But she was sure in the loop today.

So we took the potty in, dumped it out in the toilet, washed hands and she got a candy.

I figured at that point I had enough time to sneak in a shower. (I skipped the morning shower in favor of a few more minutes of snooze, having been woken in the middle of the night.) The kids joined me in the bathroom, alternatively screaming and crying (Mr. Man for God knows what reason and Sweetness because Mr. Man was crying and she hates that). After the world’s fastest and most stressful shower, and as I was getting dressed again, Sweetness ran out of the room then returned with an “uh, oh.” She had a few drips down her leg.

“Where’s the pee?” I asked and she showed me a spot on the hardwood (thank you Jesus, she missed the carpet) that was only a few drops. Then she sat on her potty. After a few minutes she announced “there’s the pee” and showed me her potty. It was just a little bit. We carried the potty out to the living room (it had been in the bathroom with the kids while I was in the shower) and she sat down. She let out a few more drops and got up. I went into the kitchen to begin rinsing the lunch dishes. Sweetness came in and stood by me for a minute, then said those magical words:

“I have to go potty!” as she reached between her legs.

YES! I turned off the water as I told her to go to the potty. I followed her over. She sat down and got that pained look. I again sat on the floor next to her, held her hand and talked her through it. She squirmed and said “no,” then the dam broke and she filled that potty in four seconds. I laid on the encouragement, “you did it, that’s the way, you went pee in your potty!”

She just smiled and said, “yay, one piece of candy.” Sigh.

With that release we had a couple of hours of play time and as I made dinner, Hubby encouraged her to sit down on the potty and talk to him before dinner. After a couple of her few drops at a time maneuvers, he sat her back down and handed her her digital camera so she could scroll through her photos. As she did that, the dam broke again.

During dinner she announced she had to go, sat on the potty, but didn’t do anything. We expect she had to poo, but wasn’t emotionally ready for that leap yet.

The Day 3 Potty Count: 3 full potties, 6 very little amounts, and twice she said she had to go potty.

Final verdict: This three days to be fully potty trained is a bunch of hooey in our house. Maybe it works for kids who were already using the potty from time to time when prodded, but it’s not a sure thing for kids who weren’t. Regardless, she’s clearly starting to get the hang of it. She only had one full accident and a few drips of accidents the third day were she was peeing all over the place the first day. I’d say this method has it’s merits. Just don’t hang your hat on the 3-day thing. I recommend setting aside several more than three days.

We decided to do this at a time where we could pull a 5-day stretch just to be safe. Given I only work from 7 am to 12:30 p.m. Monday and Tuesday, and have Wednesday off, we’re pushing through five days.

The program does call for your child to be diaper and underwear free during the day for three months. Yes, three months, before you introduce underwear. I’m not sure we’ll get that far. In fact, the daycare she attends on Thursday and Friday demands Pull-Ups for 30 days AFTER she’s stopped having accidents before she can wear underwear. I’m a little concerned about regression with the Pull-Ups, but there’s not much I can do in that area.

So I’ll continue the next two days and will report back. This has been long and tiring, and not a little frustrating, but it’s working. Slowly, but surely, it’s working.

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Potty Training in Three Days or Less – Day 2

Heligirl — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 16:23:31 +0000

It’s Day 2 of my Potty Training in Three Days or Less challenge. To catch up on the background of why on Earth I’d do this and read all about the first day, please click here. Go ahead, I”ll wait…

Back? Ok. Just to prepare you, I have to say, after an encouraging end to Day 1, Day 2 was a frustrating as all get out.

Day 2, Sunday, July 25, 2010:

Sweetness started out with a very full and poopy diaper. As I was changing her into her sundress, we talked about the potty. I reminded her that we don’t wear diapers during the day anymore and because of that, we need to sit on the potty as soon as we get up in the morning. That went over like a wet fart in church. I tried the choices approach – do you want the little potty or the toilet? The answer? “No!”

I'm considering making an investment. Do you think these will be enough rags or should I double my order?

To her credit, she did sit on her little potty a lot all morning. She had breakfast, hung out in the bathroom with me as I took a shower (her potty in the room too), and played a long time (stopping to sit on the potty when asked) before the first “opportunity” came. It had been 90 minutes since I got her up and I was getting nervous so I had her sit on it while I read like 4,325 books. Nothing. She ran around the house and every time she stopped I asked her to sit and she did. Then she got up and walked to the front screen door (the front door was open so air would circulate through the house and she likes to stand at the screen door and look out). She was there maybe two seconds, looking out at the yard before she peed on the threshold. Arggg!

She went back to the potty while we cleaned that up and when she got up there was a very, very tiny poo. You’re supposed to acknowledge even the tiny things so we did our potty dance, she got to dump and flush, then got her candy. I kept trying to get her to sit just in case, but she’d had enough. She went over to stand next to Hubby who was at the couch. Not two minutes later she announced, “Look, dog poop” and pointed to a pile at Hubby’s feet.

It wasn’t dog poop.

After another round of sitting on the potty and the poo clean up, I glanced at the clock – 9 a.m. It was going to be a long day.

I lathered her up with suntan lotion and took her outside to play. She played for an hour, going on and off the potty. Then finally, a few drops in the potty. Another potty dance and such. Then we went in and all hell broke loose.

First, after sitting on the potty for 15 minutes, she got up and peed a full bladder load in the corner. Not 30 minutes later, after another potty sitting and reading spell, she got up to wash her hands and peed all over the bathroom floor. I may be grasping for straws here, but the good news is she’s only actually hit carpet once so far since Saturday morning.

As a side note, I’ve noticed rewards don’t seem to be making any difference at all at this point. I’ve decided to bag them. Hubby wants to keep trying, but if she doesn’t ask for the candy after using the potty, I don’t offer it. I’ve noticed she’s far more excited about the prospect of taking the potty to the toilet, dumping it out and flushing by herself. In a way, that makes me feel so good. Being able to do something herself makes her feel much better than any reward, which is how it should be. So I’m following her lead on that.

I am keeping up with the encouraging words (even though I’m feeling mighty discouraged) and when she has accidents, making sure I’m saying, “Oh honey, you missed the potty. Don’t worry. I have faith you’ll get the hang of this in time and remember to go to the potty first. We’ll just keep trying.” The last thing I want to do is give her a complex. This much seems to be working because she isn’t fighting us when we tell her it’s time to sit on the potty.

The real trick in all of this is constant vigilance. It is hard to watch both kids at the same time. I try to keep them both in the same room together. If Sweetness wonders off to a different room to play, I’ll go with her and bring the potty. Mr. Man usually follows. She mainly stays in the living room or out back, so that’s not too big of a problem.

Mr. Man is doing two naps a day so we’ve been able to switch off keeping a close eye on Sweetness. It’s going to get harder during the week while Hubby is at work. When Mr. Man woke from his first nap yesterday, Hubby took him and ran errands. It’s nice to have only one around, but I can’t let her out of my sight, which is tiring, to say the least. If I pick up a book, try to check mail, anything, she’ll invariably pee somewhere. I realize we’re in the stage now where she just needs to experience and recognize the sensation of having to go to the bathroom. I must remain vigilant.

After another couple of accidents I was tired, frustrated and not a little discouraged. I worked really hard not to show it. I needed a break in the worst way. Then Sweetness came to my rescue, “Watch the car movie?” As a general rule, I’m very anti-TV for the kids. They can have 15 minutes of cartoons a day, if any. But I saw an opportunity.

I put Cars in the DVD player and made a deal with Sweetness. She can watch as long as she stays on the potty. She was tired from all her time outside so she sat quietly and watched her whole movie (a record for how long she’s sat in front of the TV). At the end we had a full potty! It was the ONLY full potty of the day. Sadly, I’m pretty certain her using it was not a conscious decision. Usually she announces she’s peed. This time she just got up after the movie walked away. I had to point out the pee. She seemed surprised. I don’t think I can count that as a victory. Sigh.

In an attempt not to feel completely discouraged, I reviewed what was different about Day 2. In truth, there was one big difference. While there were twice as many accidents, some of them were very small, followed by a bigger one a little later. She’s learning to sense it coming and is stopping mid-stream, if you will. That’s a big step. And sometimes there was only very little in the potty (same principle), she just hadn’t made the connection it was OK to let ‘er rip when on the potty (or she was just so focused on trying to stop it).

I think I might be right about her making these connections because she woke in the middle of the night last night and started crying. When I got to her room, her light was on, books were in her bed and she was standing by the door. We snuggled for a bit before she went back to sleep. I’m wondering if her little brain was working so hard on this it woke her up. And if so, did she make some progress internally? We’d soon find out, because the beginning of Day 3 was only four hours away…

Check out Day 3.

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