I’ve reached out to an old friend who means a great deal to me but who I’ve not spoken to in quite a long time. In remembering him and how we drifted apart, I got to waxing rather poetic. Amazing what we learn about ourselves and those we love when we take the time to just free write uninterrupted…

Image: Tina Phillips

What do you see when you look at me from so many experiences and years away? What do you think when you hear from me, through your distant memory overlay? Am I welcome friend associated with positive memories, or am I much less, and thus deserving of an imagined boundary?

I know deep down that it shouldn’t matter at all what you think and see when it comes to me, but despite my deepest knowledge that the only opinion of real consequence is my own, I find myself wound tight with worry over whether you really see me, really know and appreciate my heart. Perhaps that is why our paths are drawing close again. You have a lesson to teach me. Or, is it that we have lessons for each other?

My heart is passionate, driven, often deeply focused and, despite so many won battles, still so very unsure of my potential. My insecurity runs deep, deeper than I may ever be able to dive to release in this life. I put far too much stock in the opinions of others, and wounds run just as deep when disapproval comes down from those I hold most high.

Yet, are we so dissimilar? When it comes to predispositions for success in our American society, we were both dealt less than optimal hands, me with my limiting body and you with your heritage paired with this country’s terrible history with your people. Yet, we both independently refused to accept defeat – finding our passions, chasing them down, and holding on to never let go.

Do you see the similarity, a twin spirit in overcoming adversity, or am I simply an annoyance? I’ve seen how you refer to others drawn to your magnetism. You are often less than complementary. You are quick to dismiss them, question their intentions, even put them down. My fear is real.

Or perhaps, your actions and reactions in fact have nothing to do with me at all.

Stepping outside myself I turn to you with fresh eyes. I see someone raised to mistrust while his blood itched for adventure. Decades of discrimination, labels and ultimately pigeonholing can taint self-perception. Perhaps the real truth is despite your popularity, you still struggle with accepting positive attention and accolades as much as I struggle with letting go of others’ acceptance. Deep down, you are still the removed minority not worthy of the spoils of your hard work. Neither noble or a victim, you struggle with stereotypes, your sense of duty to educate and a painful past colliding at every turn.

We all carry our burdens. How can I expect you to understand me and what’s really in my heart if I don’t extend the same courtesy? Perhaps the answer is that simple. Showing you truly what is in my heart is nothing more than acknowledging what is in yours. Perhaps then we can finally move from this stagnant place, where I allowed your defenses to drive me away to all those years ago, to a true trusting friendship.

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