The Rugrats.

A virtually unlimited source of stories so insane they must be true. Now, despite my somewhat rough exterior and tomboy ways, I have always dreamed of having kids. When I hit my mid-30s the issue became pressing. The prospect of being 60 and still having kids in college started to haunt me so, voila, here they are.

My daughter entered our lives in September 2007. I refer to her as Sweetness, Cuteness, Princess Poopy Pants, and other such endearments. I’m saving revealing her identity for a day when I can really use that card. Perhaps “you even think about touching cigarettes and I’m e-mailing, tweeting and Facebooking all your friends with a link to this site.” We’re going to have such a great relationship when she’s a teen.

My son joined us 20 months later in May 2009 to complete our family. I refer to him as Mr. Man, Handsome Dude, and Little Man, among other things. He’s mommy’s little lover boy. Right now. Again, I’m preserving his identity until a time when it will really come in handy.

Yes, Mommy’s all about the blackmail!