Comfort Zone Withdrawl

by Heligirl on December 30, 2010

in Beyond Mommyhood,Daily Ramblings

Being ripped out of your comfort zone can really do a number on you.

I had a rough day Tuesday, feeling melancholy most of the day, even crying a few times. I had to return to the office to record my “never back in the office” voicemail and write the permanent bouceback to my e-mail. While there I tore my name off my mailbox and my office door. I was officially gone.

In my very uncharacteristically unresponsive state throughout the day, I found myself curling up inside myself and sifting through all the stuff that had piled up there recently.

I was thoroughly embarrassed and disgusted with myself during a good portion of this introspection, just so you know.

There is no logical reason for me to feel so betrayed or so out of control. I’ve been feeling lost in my job for some time with my favorite people gone and new leadership taking the company in a direction that I personally questioned. I’m financially stable and ready to take on the next chapter with bold steps. So why the midlife crisis?

I had been longing to spend more time with my kids for months. Yet, my reaction to the news of the layoff was nothing short of terror at being home full time. I feel very guilty about that.

I even began smothering my best pal, pushing him way out of his comfort zone and adding completely unnecessary stress to his life as he tried to be there for me. He finally snapped and, in his unique way, slapped me upside the head with a few new boundaries. I deserved that.

The result of this all: I feel like such a selfish person. I’m lucky to be where I am in life and have the friends I do. Why would I jeopardize that with my out of control feelings and behavior? I need to clearly get a grip, and get it now.

This morning I woke up with a better perspective, though I still lack the level of patience I’d like to see myself achieve, like, immediately.

Today I took the kids out to the craft shop and got a bunch of supplies I’ve been thinking about for a while so we can get crafty and creative together. I’m excited about coming up with some fun art projects where we can get our hands dirty together and giggle lots. This is a step in the right direction for me.

Though I fantasized about doing this before the layoff, for some reason after I got the news I froze up and couldn’t for the life of me get excited about being with the kids all day every day. The feeling is starting to come back. It’s time to get serious. I’m now the person the kids will rely on the most. I’m dedicated to making the most of it, connecting, teaching, playing and learning with them.

Also knowing and respecting my needs, I blocked out a weekend a month for the next five months where I get away with either a girlfriend or Hubby. Jen time will need to be respected more than ever now and knowing every 3 to 4 weeks I am getting away will make the transition into SAHM life a little easier for me. I’m already counting the days to my trip to Phoenix in three weeks.

I’ll be lucky if I see my best pal in the next several weeks, but that’s probably a good thing. I need to walk on my own and not overwhelm those I care for the most. I deserve the withdrawal that will bring and will use it to remind myself to think of others’ feelings and needs first, including his.

And I’m working on keeping my sense of humor. I can’t let that go or it would be the end of me. I hope my periodic fictional ramblings about my imaginary cabana boy will keep me laughing the way my muse keeps me longing for more inspiration.

Yes, it’s been a fascinating ride, being pulled out of my comfort zone. I’ve certainly learned what kind of damage I’m capable of doing to myself and others with this big, fat personality of mine. Here’s hoping nothing is damaged for good and that every good thing comes out in the end.

I’m ready for 2011 now.


Making It Work Mom December 30, 2010 at 5:45 am

You are doing great! And you have a great new perspective just in time for 2011. I love the idea of planning those weekend trips – perfect!

Happy New Year!

Twitter: Heligirl
January 3, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Thanks. It was fun to plan them. Here’s hoping I can get the childcare to get away! Thanks again for your support!

JP December 30, 2010 at 6:27 am

Jen, this too shall pass! And keeping your sense of humor is one of the best things you can do!!!!…:)JP (see that little smile, even at my age!)
JP recently posted: Something New

Twitter: Heligirl
January 3, 2011 at 3:02 pm

And what a beautiful smile it is. Thanks JP. 🙂

Twitter: solarchief
December 30, 2010 at 1:40 pm

There’s nothing worse than that in-between time when you’re trying to discover which door is fully open and which is just a moment to catch your breath… Enjoy the children and your projects with them — they become the treasured memories of tomorrow… Happy New Year to a year filled with so much promise of new doors! Come visit when you can and don’t forget to check out my other blog, Rockin’ Chair Reflections, too!
SharleneT recently posted: Its a White Christmas – Time to Read and Enjoy Each Other!

Twitter: Heligirl
January 3, 2011 at 3:02 pm

Thanks Sharlene. I’ll visit as soon as I have a breather!

LCW January 3, 2011 at 11:09 am

It’s hard to say goodbye to something when it’s not your terms. Maybe you would have quit a month later…but you would have had that control, when it’s ripped out from underneath you it feels awful…and a list of a lot of other emotions. You’ll get back into the swing of things soon.

Also, why the partial feed in google reader???? I miss the full feeds.

Twitter: Heligirl
January 3, 2011 at 3:05 pm

At least this way I got a severance and get to collect unemployment. That’s always good. Just a slap to my ego and hard to say goodbye. But it’s getting better.

I updated to the latest WordPress. Wonder if that changed the reader. Sometimes I wonder if it is better to send out a full or partial feed. I think most of the folks who get the full feed never visit the site, which hurts hits and future growth. But on the other hand, folks are busy and don’t have time to click through. Can’t decide which is better. 🙁

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