Hurts that Bind

by Heligirl on March 25, 2010

in Daily Ramblings

“When someone hurts you, it creates an emotional tie that binds you to that person. Only through true forgiveness can we break those ties and free ourselves to move past the hurt.” – Elmer Laydon

A friend of mine on Facebook posted this quote and it made me stop dead in my tracks as the truth of it resonated through me like fingernails on a chalkboard – painful and annoyingly hard to ignore. Just last night I had yet another random dream that takes place in my former place of employment, with several well disliked people playing parts. I’ve often woken wondering why on Earth I still dream in this past life from hell when I have so many wonderful things in my life here and now and no reason to ever look back.

I think this quote answered that question. It also explains rather clearly why my mother still finds ways to express her hatred for my dad 31 years after their divorce. Or why I detest the idea of stepping foot on Maui. Or why the idea of being in L.A. gives me hives, on the inside. Have you ever tried to scratch an itch on your lung? It’s not a pretty picture people.

I think my biggest issue with forgiveness is the irrational belief that by forgiving a person for a perceived wrong he or she did to me, I’m in some way making what that person did OK. Clearly, this quote, as well as the nightmares, avoidance and serious itchies show that there is more going on than that. And what am I teaching my kids by hanging on to my anger or distaste of people and places because of things that happened long ago? I put so much effort in trying to model the behavior I want them to follow – saying “˜please,’ cleaning up after myself, speaking positively, avoiding excessive TV or bad language, etc. – it doesn’t occur to me to pay particular attention to the subconscious things like old hurts. I must model forgiveness if they’re to learn it.

I’m now more motivated than ever. I’ve never found better motivation than the words “creates an emotional tie that binds you to that person.” That alone, when I think about the people it relates to for me, makes me throw up in my mouth. There is no way in hell I want any kind of tie to them. Time to forgive and forget already. I must remember, forgiveness allows me to be free. I am not condoning them or their behavior. I can decide to forgive them, and also forgive myself for letting what they did hurt me. And I have. I’ve said it out loud. I don’t let thoughts of the people or actions that hurt me enter my mind. And my hope is in time, I’ll really no longer feel any negative feelings when I go to the geographical places where I was hurt, nor will I feel so anxious about running into those people. And it sure will be nice to not have the violent urge to scratch the inside of my ribcage the minute I enter the LA Basin. How would I explain that to the kids as I rub all over things like a bear on a tree when I take them to Disneyland the first time?

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