Totally Messed Up Pregnancy Reflections

by Heligirl on November 19, 2010

in Confessions

I recently learned a dear friend is expecting her third child. We met just after we found out we were pregnant with our first children. We were pregnant with our second kids around the same time too and now that she has her third on the way, and I’ll never have another, I’m waxing nostalgic about the “joys” of pregnancy. More specifically, the absolutely insane things those freaking pregnancy hormones made me do. Here, for your Friday reading pleasure, are some of the things that come to mind:

  • Watching Transformers for the first time and crying like a little girl when Bumblebee is captured then losing it all over again at the end when he says he wants to stay with the boy. (Who cries during Transformers? Evidently, me. And since I’m confessing, I also lost it during the second movie when Optimus Prime died, but I was pregnant with my second at the time so I’m sticking to my hormones excuse.)
  • Actually writing hate mail to Hagan Daas because they stopped making Mayan Chocolate ice cream. Didn’t they know they had a hormonal pregnant lady out there who lived for the stuff, craved it like Edward craves Bella’s blood? It wasn’t pretty people. (They sent me coupons for money off any other flavor in response. Clearly, they didn’t fully grasp the gravity of the situation.)
  • Speaking of Edward and Bella, reading the Twilight series twice during my last pregnancy. Something about being easy reads. I couldn’t for the life of me read anything deep. My mind suddenly couldn’t handle it. I tried. I failed. I read Twilight again.
  • Freaking out in the dark. Visual stuff had a real impact on my hormonal brain. I wanted to zone out, so I beefed up the old Netflix list. Then I Am Legend showed up in the mail. This was not a pretty thing. I slept with the lights on for two days and screamed like a 3-year-old (mine these days to be exact) when Hubby tried to turn the lights out. I strongly advise against watching this particular flick while pregnant.
  • Smelling my dog’s impacted anal gland. That pregnancy super power of smell actually saved me a few hundred bucks. My dog was sitting on my lap and I smelled something sickly. I at first thought he had a dingleberry. When I went to lift his tail to check he let out a loud yipe. Upon closer inspection I noticed everything was rather red and swollen. We went to the vet, where I learned it could have burst in the next few hours had I not noticed. That would have smelled lovely. Oh, and the dog would not have been feeling all that good.
  • Speaking of the super power. Imagine putting your head down into a rancid garbage bag that’s been out in the sun for a week. That’s what a slightly full garbage bag under the sink with the door shut can smell like to a pregnant lady as she walks in the front door of the house. Guys, take notes. Trash goes out each night when the lady is with child. Write it down. This will save you, I promise.
  • Swelling to 2.5 times my regular size thanks to water retention. In fact, there was so much pressure in my joints that I lost feeling in my hands the last three months of pregnancy. It was carpel tunnel from HELL. And I went up 2.5 shoe sizes with swollen feet and cankles (calves and ankles that run together). I peed for a week after her birth and all was well again. Never happened during my second one, praise God, Buddha and/or Allah.
  • Three words: porn star boobs. They were the ultimate cruel joke for the boys. They looked AMAZING, and I killed anyone who touched them because they hurt like a mother. And then there was the leaking…
  • Freaking out over every last ligament pain, twinge, suspected spotting and whatnot got old fast. Part of you is logically concerned. The other 95 percent of you that is ruled by the demon hormones has you so freaked out you have the doctor on speed dial. I never thought I’d become such a used toilet paper examiner. The first three months you’re freaked about miscarriage. The next five it’s fear of premature delivery. The last month it’s “oh please, let this be a sign I’m going into labor and this hell will end.” Laugh if you must, but if you’ve every been pregnant, you’re laughing because you know. its. true.
  • Crying like a baby every time I saw a baby. This was getting even on my nerves.
  • Narcolepsy. Or it’s close cousin. I was falling asleep everywhere I was so tired.
  • Screaming at my Hubby through tears and sobs to turn the news off, I couldn’t take it anymore. There’d been a story about a house fire where a child didn’t make it out followed by a story of a police bust on a puppy mill and how sick the dogs were. I was taking news like this as if a close member of my family just died. I couldn’t handle it. Hubby started looking at me like I was a few bricks short of a full load.
  • Then there was the mother of all experiences. The chocolate cake nightmare and how my sense of smell made me have professional cleaners come in to wash my carpets and couch after my daughter threw up the same week the morning sickness of my second pregnancy hit. Good times. Good times.

Yes, I can’t say I miss being pregnant. It was something I’d wanted to experience, and I did. Twice. I think I’ll just live vicariously through my buddy and watch my Transformers DVDs tear-free.


Liz F November 19, 2010 at 7:54 am

I, too, had the super schnozz from Hell. My kryptonite was our refrigerator. How cruel is that? I had to hold my breath and plug my nose just to get stuff out of the fridge, and then run like Hell in the other direction until the smell cleared (I hoped.) BTW, I had at least 10 other people besides my boyfriend and our roommate smell the fridge…nobody else could smell anything. So, in addition to taking out the garbage, men should also clean the fridge out every night with bleach to kill any possible odors that might happen to make their way up their pregnant wife’s nose. I swear the only reason I gained weight with my pregnancy was because we moved, and our next fridge didn’t smell.

Twitter: Heligirl
November 22, 2010 at 8:44 am

Oh Liz, that is so funny. But in a “I totally get you” sort of way. Oh the hell of that pregnancy schnozz. And yes, daddies to be (of the first or any additional children) should be required to empty the trash, then clean the kitchen and fridge with bleach each and evening for nine months. Or spring for a scentless fridge (is there such a thing?) 🙂 Thanks so much for stopping by!

Carol @ Knee Deep November 19, 2010 at 9:40 am

You said “dingleberry.” LOL! Your list is hilarious. Given all the not-so-grand moments of preganancy, I’d still do it again 🙂
Carol @ Knee Deep recently posted: Dear Chloe Belle – 20 Months

Twitter: Heligirl
November 22, 2010 at 8:46 am

Yes, if I was so inclined, I would too. I think part of me felt I needed to remember these things so I wouldn’t feel bad about not having any more kids. 🙂 And, seriously, Chloe is already 20 months?! Wowza time flies!

MandyP November 19, 2010 at 10:12 am

Oh. My. Gosh. You nailed it! I’m pregnant right now with my 5th…in 5 years… and I can totally vouch for EVERYTHING you said!! Great post! =)
MandyP recently posted: 10 Ways to Be Super Annoying and Self Involved

Twitter: Heligirl
November 22, 2010 at 8:48 am

OK Mandy, you’re officially insane. 5 in 5 years?! My husband would have left me by now with all the crazy hormonal outbursts. You are one BRAVE lady, not to mention tough. I hope 5 goes well for you my dear. Thanks so much for stopping by. Now I have more pregnant ladies to live vicariously through. 🙂

Making It Work Mom November 19, 2010 at 2:41 pm

I have totally experienced all of these at some point during my pregnancies. What I remember most is the crying and the super tiredness. Oh those were the days! Thanks for the trip down memory lane.

Twitter: Heligirl
November 22, 2010 at 8:50 am

Oh the crying. I felt so stupid for crying all the time at the weirdest stuff. I’m mean seriously, Transformers? I had it bad. And the tiredness seemed to amplify with the second one since I was also chasing a toddler around. I ended up paying my nanny to stay late several days there the first trimester because after five hours at the office (my part time schedule) I’d need to come home and sleep for three. Pathetic and expensive, but there was no getting around it. Funny thing is, I’m sometimes just as tired now working and chasing two kids around. This waiting until my late-30s to have kids thing is not all it’s cracked up to be. Oh to have my 22-year-old energy back… 🙂 Great to see you. Thanks for stopping by!!
Heligirl recently posted: Mom Tip Monday- Positive Discipline

Twitter: solarchief
November 19, 2010 at 10:55 pm

You’re gonna hate me, but I’m one of those women who actually ‘blossomed’ throughout my pregnancies — no morning sickness, bad smells, forgetting things… It was great (but, my poor hubby had sympathetic morning sickness!)

My poor little puppy had an impacted gland this past summer and we, too, just made it to the vet… Not a happy puppy, at all…. Come visit when you can…
SharleneT recently posted: Solar Pumpkin Soup in Its Own Bowl – Redoux

Twitter: Heligirl
November 22, 2010 at 8:55 am

OK, I officially hate you. But in a good way Sharlene. 🙂 I wanted so bad to be one of those ladies that just glowed and loved every moment of having that little life inside. I so loved the kicks and such in the second trimester. But I’m 5’1″³, so when I hit the third trimester, they kick such things as my bladder, liver and the inside of my ribs (the later of which bruised). Not so much fun. I purposefully didn’t mention the morning sickness lest I turn away readers. I had that so bad for three months the first time and four months the second time. I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight within 2 months because I’d not gained much weight at all other than water since I was so sick a good portion of the time (and because freaking Hagan Daas stopped making my ice cream, those devils). 🙂

LeeAnn November 22, 2010 at 9:43 am

Oh wow. No wonder you’re not having any more! 😉

My pregnancies were pretty mild, I think. I did get the hound-dog sniffer, and it never went away. I can smell anything from a mile away. It’s ridiculous. Oh, and I had “all-day” sickness with Bryce for MONTHS. Yeah, that sucked…until I learned about the miracle drug that is Zofran. I wouldn’t mind being pregnant again, I just don’t want any more kids. Don’t get me wrong, I love my two more than anything in this world, but two is good for me. 😀
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Melissa {Adventuroo} November 22, 2010 at 8:19 pm

This is hysterical! You had me in stitches over the ice cream. And oh the cankles! I has them too tirades the end. Gotta love it!
Melissa {Adventuroo} recently posted: Behind the Scenes at Adventuroo Resources I Use to Run My Blog

Colleen November 22, 2010 at 8:35 pm

LOL brings back quite a lot of memories. I had a hard to smelling cooked hamburger YUCK!
Colleen recently posted: 100 Amazon Gift Card EXTRA ENTRIES 2 DAYS LEFT

Jenny December 1, 2011 at 10:37 pm

It’s funny but this symptoms were based on reality. Even me have that something which I think was not a normal habit of a person who have his/her sanity. That’s merely an activity of an insane person but luckily I’d been through with that and never I gonna let myself experience the same thing ever.:)
Jenny recently posted: hair loss after pregnancy

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